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    Thursday, April 07, 2005

    So. Where Were We?

    Terri died. The Pope died. Frank Perdue had the bad sense of timing to die between the two of them, so the only people who know he died are obsessive news junkies, his family, illegal immigrants, and the world’s chicken population, the latter group throwing a party the likes of which hasn’t been seen since Colonel Sanders shuffled off this mortal coil. Saul Bellow and Prince Rainer died. True fact number one: I didn’t realize either were still alive. True fact number two: I had the biggest crush on Princess Caroline when I was in high school. She was slightly older, beautiful, had a hot body, rich, and a Princess. What’s not to crush on? Johnny Cochran died, prompting writer Peter David to comment on his blog “If Johnny don’t breathe, you must bequeath.” That one was for the lawyers, as is this, my favorite lawyer joke: Lawyer dies and goes to hell. Satan says “Wow, you lived to be 115!” Lawyer says “You must have me mistaken for someone else. I died at 73.” Satan replies “Not according to your billable hours.” None of these people who died were in my dead pool. Joe Namath, my out on the limb dead pool pick, went into rehab to get cleaned up. Bastard.

    Speaking of the Pope, WTF? Flags are at half-mast for the Pope? The Pope? He’s still just a religious leader, right? And even though Catholicism is the world’s largest denomination, Protestants still outnumber Catholics in the world and the United States. So why flags at half mast? Why round the clock coverage? Why dominating the news cycle? And at some level, isn’t all this idolatry of the Pope somewhat unchristian? And am I the only one somewhat infuriated by the fact that every news story about the Pope’s death mentioned how good it was the he was able to die in the manner he chose while at the same time the Pope’s spokesmen (and it had to be them – he couldn’t carry on a conversation at that point) issued statements about how wrong it would be to pull the tube on Terri?

    But enough about death. What about sports and entertainment? Let’s see. God has some beef with the PGA Tour. Baseball started, and the Cardinals are 1-1. The NBA is winding down, and the Lakers have missed the playoffs (for the first time in eleven years), which gives Kobe Bryant a lot more time for ass-fucking white chicks. I suck at poker. Scott Savol is apparently going to have to beat up some girl on stage to get voted out of American Idol. Sin City led the box office last week on the day the Pope died. (There’s an American Pie parody in there somewhere.) Lost rocks. So does 24. Did I mention I suck at poker? My friend Bob turned 50, which means I am only five years away from the same milestone. DC Comics have decided to remove every trace of humor from the DC universe, retconning out stories that didn’t take themselves seriously and replacing them with stories that take themselves very seriously. Very, very seriously. Very, very seriously, and very proud of their seriousness. Ponderously, over-pompously, seriously.

    In the world of politics, the Republican Terri Schiavo Talking Points memo, which the asshats at Powerline, among others, claimed was a forgery done by Democrats, was proven to be real yesterday when Senator Mel Martinez (R–FLA) admitted the memo was created and distributed by a member of his staff. This after Senator Martinez had spent a couple of weeks denying that the memo was created and distributed by a member of his staff. Chances of Powerline et al ever admitting they were wrong? Normally I would say none, but Michelle Malkin of all people has come out and admitted she was fooled. And then there’s Tom Delay, who after forcing his face into prominence during the Terri affair, has found an almost constant stream of revelations of past misconduct working their way into the press. The Wall Street Journal editorial board, among others, have suggested that perhaps it’s time for Delay to step down. So has Senator Lindsay Graham (R-SC), although Delay has marshaled the Republican side of the House to stand by him. Democrats are torn – on the one hand, it would be nice for Delay to remain in power and as a prominent symbol of Republican greed and corruption. On the other hand… Wait. There is no other hand. You go Tom! Hang in there! Stick around until at least the fall of 2006! Oh, and in the Iowa Legislature Senators and Representatives are scrambling all over one another to overreact to a crime that would have been prevented if the mother of the victim just didn't hang out with sex offenders.

    So that was the past 10 days or so. Whew! I guess there’s a reason why I need to post everyday.

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