Inexplicable Toys

Andrew and I were at K-Mart last night, looking for one of those plastic pools because it was SO DAMN HOT! Naturally, Andrew can’t go anywhere with a toy aisle without looking at the toy aisle. The same applies to me of course. But I digress.

There, in the clearance toy aisle, on the top shelf in the clearance toy aisle, was a toy I had never seen before, a toy I would never have dreamed existed. That toy? A toy Shop-Vac.

I’ll let that sink in.

I imagine the following scene played out more or less in every household where a toy Shop-Vac has been given as a gift.

(Interior family living room, on the occasion of the son’s sixth birthday. Present are father, mother, and son.)

Father: Here’s your last present! (Hands box to son.)

Six-Year Old Son: Oh boy! It’s huge. (Unwraps, revealing toy Shop-Vac.)

Mother: What the …?

(Long, uncomfortable pause.)

Father: It’s a Shop-Vac. A toy Shop-Vac. Now, after you use your toy tools to pretend to build something, you can use your toy Shop-Vac to pretend to clean up!

(Another long, uncomfortable pause.)

Six-Year Old Son: Fuck you dad.

Father: (To mother.) Did you hear what he just said?

Mother: I could have married Carl you know. I COULD HAVE MARRIED CARL!