A Fun List

Found this a number of different places, including Tbogg and Poor Man. (See links at right.) I proudly give you, The 50 Most Loathsome People in America of 2004. Here are some of my favorites.

45. John McCain:

Crimes: Survived years of torture in Vietnam only to become a bend over buddy for a sheltered rich dunce. McCain could have bolstered his largely unearned air of credibility this year had he stood against Bush, but instead chose to show us all that that no principle is too fundamental to humanity to be overlooked in the name of party loyalty. We can only hope that they’ve got something on him, something big.

Smoking Gun: Returned to criticizing Bush as soon as it didn’t matter anymore.

Punishment: Vice President under Rumsfeld.


44. Ellen Degeneres

Crimes: Turns out to be the most boring comedian, gay or straight, since…ever. Her Seinfeld on Quaaludes routine isn’t just tedious; it’s harrowing—watching her belabor a gag that wasn’t funny in the first place about opening a jar of pickles for minutes is enough to make anybody groan. Her cookie cutter talk show succeeds for the simple reason that, beyond the gay thing, viewers know that Ellen will always be nice and won’t let any negative information invade their fragile minds. If Degeneres were a straight man, she’d be getting booed off the stage at a tiny club in Scranton right about now.

Smoking Gun: Tolerated Anne Heche.

Punishment: Ten years as writer for “Mad TV."


38. Toby Keith

Crimes: The worst kind of proud-to-be-brainwashed dolt, one who feels he should express himself. The fact that this ambulatory hamburger’s opinions were ever given public forum is an indictment of our entire civilization and all human history leading up to this point.

Smoking Gun: Plays country music.

Punishment: Impaled on improperly installed American flag attached to tractor-trailer, dragged for 12 hours, eaten by wolves.


22. Michael Jackson

Crimes: Surgically transforming himself into a ghastly artificial creature, and then forcing himself on little boys. His ability to remain at large and to find parents still willing to let their kids sleep over at Jackson’s elaborate child trap both indicate a failure of our species as a whole.

Smoking Gun: “Jesus juice?”

Punishment: Forced to record and release new single as part of plea agreement, “Don’t Let Your Son Go Down on Me.”


5. John Kerry

Crimes: Managed to lose to the most hated president in American history by virtue of his total inability to convincingly portray himself as a human being. Didn’t even have the balls to show up during the Ohio election challenge in the Senate. So thoroughly vetted that he appears inhuman, incapable of speaking without repeating the same hackneyed phrases incessantly and gesticulating like a poorly operated marionette. Cursing his daughters with his frightening profile.

Smoking Gun: Actually did vote for the $87 billion before he voted against it.

Punishment: Quality time with wife and kids.


4. Dick Cheney

Crimes: So loathsome his own party is frightened of him. Manages to deliver stunning lies with an air of sneering authority. Shamelessly employs scare tactics in order to strip the federal government of any resemblance to the one described in the constitution. So visibly evil that all of the documented evidence against him is superfluous. The kind of guy who starts talking cannibalism the minute he steps on the lifeboat.

Smoking Gun: Managed to make his own shame at producing gay offspring into a negative for Kerry.

Punishment: Hacked to death by Mexican migrant workers.