Here's The Mail It Never Fails

Every day when I log onto Outlook at work, there is a message from the Quarantine Center. This is the place where spam and junk mail is routed. (Although considering the amount of spam and junk that makes it through, I’m not sure what the routing rules are.) There are little icons by each piece of mail to tell you why it got sent to Quarantine – a gift-wrapped package for special offers, a letter for bulk email, XXX for sexually explicit mail, etc. And here I have some questions as well. Like, why is Natuarl Large Breasted Teen Fucks listed as a special offer and not sexually explicit? (And yes, all spelling is taken from the email titles as is.) Why is The Larger the Better bulk mail and Pen!S Enhancement sexually explicit? And don’t get me started on Viagra. (Well, I guess that depends on what you want to do with me after you get me started on Viagra. But I digress.) It Only Takes A Few Moments To Order Viagra is sexually explicit, Viagra At $1.59 Per Dose is bulk mail, and Viagra Works For Men Of All Ages a special offer. Can we get some consistency here people? I mean, if, if I say, I want to delete out all the bulk mail and special offers so I can concentrate on sexually explicit, I don’t want to worry that I’ve missed out on a natural large breasted teen who fucks. Although come to think of it, that is kind of a special offer. But still. If I am looking for busty girls, and I do an XXX sort, I’ll get the Sweet Busty Girl Getting A Loud Orgasm but miss out on the Busty Teen Brunette Fucked On Campus and Nasty Busty Girl Cumshooted. And that’s just not right.

I was going to end it there, and let that be the post. I think it’s funny, it plays on an image I sometimes cultivate, and it works. It’s not a true image, of course, and I would never consider opening a sexually explicit email at work. I like, and need, my job. But then, as I was deleting the emails in the Quarantine Center, I came across one that was so tempting to open. So tempting. Here’s the header, and the ellipse at the end is part of it:

If Your Penis Is Smaller Than Your Wife’s…

Now tell me that isn’t a tough to resist opening line. I mean, don’t you want to know how it ends? Your wife’s what? Your wife’s penis? Point one, can you consider her your wife if she has a penis? Point two, is she really hanging around your life if your penis is smaller than hers, unless she has a really huge one, in which case we are back to point one. This, my friends, is quality marketing. When you get someone totally uninterested in your product wondering what your ad pitch is, you’re onto something. Bravo, I say. Bravo.