Via Matt, I find that I've been linked at IowaPolitics.com. It's been a while since I've done anything all that political, so for the benefit of anyone who may have found me from there, I give you the following.
There's a problem with making statements like "Republicans do this" and "Democrats do that" because, quite obviously, in the real world neither party is a monolithic entity. Oh, they try to appear that way, and I think it's a fair observation that the Republican party pulls it off much better than the Democratic party, but at the end of the day as soon as you say something like that someone will come along and point to something that contradicts it. Writing in those terms only courts trouble, and, in a fair and just and honest world, should be avoided.
But we don't live in a fair and just and honest world, do we? No, we don't, and so sometimes we have to make general statements in order to try to make our points. We can add caveats, say that when we say "x" we mean the "x" leadership in the White House, the "x" leadership in the Senate, the "x' leadership in the House of Representatives, and the "x" national party leadership, but eventually those caveats become cumbersome and we need to go on. An appearance of a caveat once or twice should be sufficient to drive your point home, but even if you do that, someone will still seize upon a general statement and try to throw it back at you. These are the risks. With them in mind, on with the show.
You see a lot of the following everywhere:
I'd like to see the executive branch and Congress get down to serious legislative work to resolve some urgent global and national problems now, rather than continuously engage in games of partisan rhetoric. We elected them and pay them their salaries to work constructively on critically important national issues. (NOTE: Actual comments from an actual human being on an actual Internet message board.)
The press parrots this sort of thing a lot as well. The problem is, one side is not interested in working constructively on critically important national issues. One side is not interested in putting aside games of partisan rhetoric. Those things, putting aside partisan games in order to work constructively together, are part of a process called "governing" that one side has no interest in taking part in. And, unfortunately for all of us, that side currently controls the legislative branch and the executive branch. That side is also bound and determined to completely control the judicial branch.
There. I've said it. Republicans, or, out of respect for the caveat that opened this piece, the Republican leadership in the White House, the Republican leadership in the Senate, the Republican leadership in the House of Representatives, and the Republican national party leadership, has no interest in governing. The Republicans, or, out of respect for the caveat that opened this piece, the Republican leadership in the White House, the Republican leadership in the Senate, the Republican leadership in the House of Representatives, and the Republican national party leadership, is only interested in ruling.
Now you might say to yourself, "Self, I don't see a difference between ruling and governing." If your self is smart, it will respond with "Well, there's a huge difference. Governing involves compromise, it involves engaging different viewpoints and opinions and attempting to use all of these in formulating the most effective and efficient responses to problems. Ruling, on the other hand, involves none of that. Ruling involves telling people what you want and having them do it."
We are a nation founded on a strong belief in governing. We are a nation founded on the notion that rulers are not desirable. We are nation founded on the notion of compromise, of all participants having input. We are a nation founded on the notion of working together constructively and ignoring partisan games.
The problem is, that only works if all participants do it. In the structure of a two-
party system, that only works if both parties do it.
And both parties don't do it.
Oh they once did. It was once the case that the leadership in both parties strived to find solutions, not to score political points. Yes, there was partisan sniping. There has always been partisan sniping. But clearly it has never been as bad as it is now. Clearly it has never been the case that one party was so hell-bent on single party rule as one party is now.
As with most things, I blame Reagan.
Reagan is famous for saying "Government is part of the problem, not part of the solution." Can you imagine a more horrible statement for a man running for President to make? Can you imagine a stupider one? Why would anyone who says something like that want to be President? Why would anyone elect someone who says something like that? I mean, if you are conducting interviews for Hy-Vee, and a candidate for a position says "Grocery stores are part of the problem, not part of the solution", are you going to hire that guy? No, no, a thousand times no. You'll send him on his way with a "We'll be in touch" or a "I don't think we have anything appropriate for you at this time."
See, government is neither problem nor solution. Government is what the people in government make it. If the people in government try to make it a force for good, if the interest is acheiving answers that take into account everyone, government can be an effective part of the solution. If the people in government have no interest in doing good works, if the interest is in getting your way and ignoring everyone else, government can be an impediment to success. If you want to rule instead of govern, government is by definition a bad thing. And as I said, Republicans, or, out of respect for the caveat that opened this piece, the Republican leadership in the White House, the Republican leadership in the Senate, the Republican leadership in the House of Representatives, and the Republican national party leadership, want to rule. And so, they disregard anyone who disagrees with them.
Don't believe me? You need look no further than the discussion about judicial appointments. After eight years of using every trick in the book to block Clinton's appointments, after years of saying that Democratic presidents need to consult Republicans on judicial appointments, the mantra became "Everyone of the President's choices should get an up or down vote. The Constitution doesn't give the Senate a role in who becomes an appointment." This despite the fact that the Constitution has long been interpreted as giving the Senate such a role. Rush Limbaugh, one of the leading spokesmen of the right (and really folks, when Rush Limbaugh is one of your leading spokespeople, shouldn't you be indulging in a little soul searching?) has sent frequently in the past few months "You want input on judges? Win elections." As if the President won re-election (or, to be more factually correct, election) by more than 51%. As if the President weren't President of all Americans. As if a Senator from Iowa isn't Senator for all Iowans. As if only the people who vote for you count.
And let's be honest, shall we? Let's cast aside the caveat. This attitude, this "You aren't one of us so you don't exist" attitude has filtered down to all levels of society. The folks behind Justice Sunday and Justice Sunday 2: Eclectic Boogaloo, folks with strong ties to this administration, have basically said that you can't be a Christian if you are a Democrat. And no one in the administration could be bothered to say "Anyone can be a Christian." And it goes beyond that, as we found out this week when it became a national news story that a so-called Christian adoption agency in the south, an agency that received state tax proceeds, refused to provide services to Catholics because they don't believe the right things. Hmmm. Refusing to deal with someone because they don't believe the right things. Sound familiar?
Or take the right-wing blogs. Except for a couple of very notable exceptions, all the major right-wing blogs parrot everything the Bush Administration says. When they aren't parroting, they are carrying water by trying to discredit anyone who dares to question the wisdom and statements of the administration. What makes this remarkable is the extent to which it carries down to even the smallest right-wing blogs. All the Powerline and Instapundit wannabes fall in line repeating everything their mentors say, and the end result is that the entire right-wing blogosphere generally speaks not just with the same voice, but with the same thoughts. There are exceptions, true, but those exceptions end up getting attacked and smeared just as relentlessly as the right-wing blogosphere attacks and smears anyone who dares criticize Bush.
(There is no similar phenomenon on the left-side of the blogosphere or in Democratic politics in general. Indeed, this is a difficult thing for Democrats to do. For one thing, as Will Rogers said years ago, "I don't belong to an organized political party - I'm a Democrat." For another, Democrats have traditionally enjoyed attacking other Democrats as much, if not more than attacking Republicans.)
But it's not just people who disagree with this administration who are not wanted. It's information as well. Here's this from a June 15th, 2003 piece in the Washington Post. Keep in mind that this was written BEFORE Joe Wilson's New York Times op-ed piece.
A key component of President Bush's claim that Iraq had an active nuclear weapons program -- its alleged attempt to buy uranium in Niger -- was disputed by a CIA-directed mission to the central African nation in early 2002, according to senior administration officials and a former government official. But the CIA did not pass on the detailed results of its investigation to the White House or other government agencies, the officials said. The CIA's failure to share what it knew was one of a number of steps in the Bush administration that helped keep the uranium story alive until the eve of the war.
A senior intelligence official said the CIA's action was the result of "extremely sloppy" handling of a central piece of evidence in the administration's case against then-Iraqi President Saddam Hussein.
A senior CIA analyst said the case "is indicative of larger problems" involving the handling of intelligence about Iraq's alleged weapons programs and its links to al Qaeda, which the administration cited as justification for war. "Information not consistent with the administration agenda was discarded and information that was consistent was not seriously scrutinized," the analyst said.
Leaving aside what that bit implies about Plamegate, think about that last sentence again.
"Information not consistent with the administration agenda was discarded and information that was consistent was not seriously scrutinized"
Can there be a greater damning statement about this, or any, Presidential administration?
"Information not consistent with the administration agenda was discarded and information that was consistent was not seriously scrutinized"
Isn't information that is not consistent with the administration's agenda the information to which the administration should be paying most attention? Isn't information consistent with the viewpoint the information that should be most seriously scrutinized? I mean, we aren't talking about whether or not to have spaghetti or pizza for supper. We aren't talking what movie to see. We are talking about the decision to go to war, to send troops to their death. We are talking the most important decision a President can ever make. And in making that decision, this administration ignored anything that didn't support their agenda and didn't question anything that did support it. Post-war planning? Prepare for an occupation? Put sufficient troops on the ground to hold down an insurrection? No need. The people of Iraq will welcome us with open arms. Given this statement
"Information not consistent with the administration agenda was discarded and information that was consistent was not seriously scrutinized"
is it any wonder that we are now bogged down in a situation where there are no good options?
So I ask again? Can there be a greater damning statement about this, or any Presidential administration?
Why yes there can, thanks for asking. And it's this: the highest ranking members of this administration were willing to out an undercover CIA operative to discredit someone who dared to have the temerity to question the administration's lies about the reasons for going to war with Iraq.
And that's why we can't just hold hands around the campfire and sing Kumbaya and all just get along right now. Because if one side is willing to out undercover CIA operatives and their operations in the name of attacking enemies, if one side is willing to do that, there is nothing that side is not going to be willing to do.
Which is why now, more than ever, it is important for the Democrats to fight back. Because one of the two or three most fundamental rules of life is that the bully will not quit punching you until you start punching the bully back. Howard Dean understands this, and as a result has come out of the gate swinging. This scares a lot of the establishment Dems, who are fearful of losing power within the party. But it delights the party faithful, it fires them up, and it shows in the increased volunteerism and the record fund-raising the Democratic party is experiencing.
More importantly, it scares the Republicans (or, out of respect for the caveat that opened this piece, the Republican leadership in the White House, the Republican leadership in the Senate, the Republican leadership in the House of Representatives, and the Republican national party leadership). The last thing they want are Democrats who fight back. They want Democrats who let themselves get walked all over (see Kerry, John). They want Democrats who believe their extensive resume is the reason they should be President (see Kerry, John). They want Democrats who want to be elected on that resume, not be forced to actually run a decent campaign (see Kerry, John). The more the Republicans (or, out of respect for the caveat that opened this piece, the Republican leadership in the White House, the Republican leadership in the Senate, the Republican leadership in the House of Representatives, and the Republican national party leadership) squawk about bipartisanship and needing the play nice and blah, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, yadda, the more it shows how scared they are of Democrats fighting back.
Because they have reason to be scared. All signs point to a historic blow-up on the Republican side of things, a blow-up that could result in a total revamping of the Republican party as we know it. And Republicans (or, out of respect for the caveat that opened this piece, the Republican leadership in the White House, the Republican leadership in the Senate, the Republican leadership in the House of Representatives, and the Republican national party leadership) are starting to realize it. They have pressed down on all opposition for so long, both within and without of the party, and they can't hold it down much longer. And the more Democrats are willing to fight back, to no longer take it, the harder it will be for the Republicans to hold the opposition down. But that won't stop them from trying, and the harder they push down, the more explosive the eventual blow-up will be.
Considering the amount of time, money, and energy the Republicans, or, out of respect for the caveat that opened this piece, the Republican leadership in the White House, the Republican leadership in the Senate, the Republican leadership in the House of Representatives, and the Republican national party leadership, are spending to keep a lid on things right now in the face of all the dissent and scandals, it will probably happen during the 2006 mid-terms. After all, mid-term elections are traditionally the time when steam gets vented from the boiler of American politics. But if it doesn't happen then, if by some chance they can keep it together and not have it blow up in their faces in 2006, it will happen in 2008.
And afterwards we can hold hands around the campfire and sing Kumbaya and all just get along.
Sunday, July 17, 2005
Huzzah!
As with any move, there are casualties. For us, it was my stereo speakers. (Old floor speakers, the kind that weigh a ton and put out a ton of sound.) When I hooked them up after moving, one speaker didn't work and the other was slightly garbled. After two weeks of nearly buying a cheap home-theatre speaker system, I gave one last chance towards getting the old speakers to work today. And guess what? They did! Huzzah! Now I don't have to devote the rest of my life to Inigo Montoya-ing the man who killed my speakers (actual paraphrase of an actual quote from an actual online friend). Which is good, because as I pointed out to him, the man who killed my speakers (or at least appeared to kill my speakers) was most likely me.
Thursday, July 14, 2005
Catching Up
Moving bites. It sucks. It’s a bitch. It’s hell. The best part of moving is when it’s over, which, fortunately, it almost is. The garage needs to be put in order. There is a stack of boxes in the basement that need to be organized in the spare bedroom down there. The boys’ room, while having all the furniture set up, has boxes of clothes and toys that need to be put away. But for the most part, the place is set up. And, as the folks who came out to play poker last Friday can attest, it’s a beautiful house. The outside needs new siding, or at least new paint, but the inside is wonderful and the pool area very nice. Likewise the bar downstairs where we will put the tournament-type poker table once we get one. (Something like this. Note the reasonable price and the unreasonable shipping charge.) I need to shock the pool and then clean the bottom, but it’s almost ready to go too. And trust me, unless you’ve dealt with one, you wouldn’t believe the crap that goes in an outdoor pool on a daily basis. I’m not talking debris – I’m talking the chemicals to keep it usable.
So that’s been the bulk of my time. I was also in somewhat of a writing funk for a variety of reasons. It happens every now and then; nothing to worry about. But there is plenty to talk about. And with luck, I’ll start talking about it again.
So that’s been the bulk of my time. I was also in somewhat of a writing funk for a variety of reasons. It happens every now and then; nothing to worry about. But there is plenty to talk about. And with luck, I’ll start talking about it again.
Tuesday, July 12, 2005
Wheezy Says
I have 24 hours to post something new or she will never come back.
So, this is it! See my shiny new post!
So, this is it! See my shiny new post!
Monday, June 27, 2005
Common Sense Posting
This article ran on the front page of the PC on Saturday, June 25. (I see it’s originally from USA Today from June 15. Apparently the PC was unable to find anything more worthy of below the fold space on the front page of the paper in the intervening 10 days. But I digress.) The article uses Peter Whitney, who was fired from his job at Wells Fargo for talking about work at his blog, as a cautionary tale. Here’s the money quote:
“Right now its too gray. There needs to be better guidelines” said Whitney, who has found another job. “Some people go to bars to complain about workers, I do it online. Some people say I deserve what happened, but it was really harsh. It was unfair.”
Uhm, Peter? You deserved to be fired for gross stupidity, if nothing else. See, unless the bars people talk in somehow preserve everything said in them and broadcast it to every single individual on the planet, there is no comparison. The Internet is forever. It is undeniable. Even if you edit, someone can probably find the original in some cache someplace. Bars aren’t like that. If I gripe to co-workers in a bar, and I am careful about who I am griping to, there is no record and no one to say anything. But if you post it on the Internet? Anyone, and I mean anyone, can find it. Treat it that way, and they’ll be no problems in the future, mmmkay?
“Right now its too gray. There needs to be better guidelines” said Whitney, who has found another job. “Some people go to bars to complain about workers, I do it online. Some people say I deserve what happened, but it was really harsh. It was unfair.”
Uhm, Peter? You deserved to be fired for gross stupidity, if nothing else. See, unless the bars people talk in somehow preserve everything said in them and broadcast it to every single individual on the planet, there is no comparison. The Internet is forever. It is undeniable. Even if you edit, someone can probably find the original in some cache someplace. Bars aren’t like that. If I gripe to co-workers in a bar, and I am careful about who I am griping to, there is no record and no one to say anything. But if you post it on the Internet? Anyone, and I mean anyone, can find it. Treat it that way, and they’ll be no problems in the future, mmmkay?
Everybody Was Kung Fu Monkey...
If you read just one blog listing today, then you probably have a lot to do at work. But try not to miss this from Kung Fu Monkey.
Thursday, June 23, 2005
More Crank Call Funny
A week or so I linked to a piece that Chris at Shield Your Eyes did on a crank call he made. He’s made another, to the Betty Crocker Hotline, that had me laughing so hard the folks at work asked what was up. Here it is.
By the way, in case you were wondering, the phrase "hot beef injection" is among the five funniest phrases ever developed in the English language.
By the way, in case you were wondering, the phrase "hot beef injection" is among the five funniest phrases ever developed in the English language.
Wednesday, June 22, 2005
Remembrance Of Things Past
Yesterday's post prompted me to reflect on other things that are gone, specifically places in Iowa City that are no more that I wish were still around. Here's a top ten list of those. This is a long post that I should have broken up into two, but didn't. Tough. Note: Midget sex stories ahead.
BJ’s Records – The closet thing Iowa City has ever had to the Electric Fetus in Minneapolis, the best record store in the world. A great selection, decent prices, and always good music playing. I bought the first copy of Springsteen’s The River sold in Iowa City at BJ's.
Breadline – The best Iowa City restaurant no one ever went to, though not for lack of trying on my part. I took dates there, took friends there, went to eat there by myself. Still, even on a Friday night there was never more than a handful of people. Maybe that’s what happens when your theme is the Great Depression. The tables didn’t match each other, the chairs didn’t match the tables, and the tableware didn’t match. (The idea being that because it was the Depression, it cost too much to have coordinated décor and plates and such.) The food was great, the service tolerable (way slow, though always pleasant to look at). Just didn’t last.
Burger Palace – If you lived in the area while the Palace was open, you know the song.
“Everybody loves Burger Palace
Appetizing Burger Palace
Everything you’re looking for
Hamburgers and so much more
Your good taste will recall
Burger Palace has it all
Come on in and have a ball
Listen to your good taste call for
Burger Palace!”
Or, as I used to sing while working there:
“At the Palace
The Burger Palace
The hottest spot north of Dallas
At the Palace
The Burger Palace
Burgers and French fries were always the best buys at
The Palace!”
The food was good (if you ever saw a reference to Snack Packs in Bloom County, that was us – Breathed used to come in all the time), the service eccentric (who can forget Doug the foot fetishist running the register), and the clientele, uhm, bizarre.
One of my favorite things to do was sweep and mop the dining room floor after lunch rush. Seriously. You got to hear the best conversations. One time as I was mopping, Quasar (how many of you hear that and know who I am talking about – probably none) was standing in the middle, waving his hands. Quasar always waved his hands, talking to the air. Always. Everywhere he went, he was animatedly carrying on a conversation with no one. (Rumor had it that he was riding in a car, carrying on a conversation with a friend, when the car hit a truck and the friend was decapitated. I’m sure rumor was untrue.) Anyway, on this occasion, I noticed something different. Quasar had quit moving his hands. Instead, he held his (constant companion) cigarette at arm’s length, staring at it. Suddenly he whispered “Fuck You!” to the cigarette, threw it to the floor, and turned and started walking away. But no sooner had he done that then he turned back around again, picked the cigarette up, apologized to it, and walked out waving his arms talking to the air. Or the cigarette.
But that’s not my favorite mopping the floor story. On another occasion, as I neared a booth where a man and a woman were sitting, I saw him place a small box on the table. She opened it, revealing an engagement ring as he asked her to marry him. This struck me as pretty cool, as something they would always remember, as – wait. She’s frowning. I kept mopping, and heard the following:
“Uhm Steve, we’ve only been going out for two weeks.”
“Yes, but I feel like I know you so well.”
“Uhm Steve, we only went out twice.”
“Yes, but they were such great dates, and I know they meant as much to you as to me, because why else would you ask to meet me here today?”
“Uhm Steve, I asked to meet you here because I thought it best to tell you in person that I didn’t want to go out with you anymore.”
Silence. Dead silence.
“But I, but”
“Steve, I didn’t have fun the first time we went out. In spite of that, I agreed to go out a second time in case the first was a fluke. It wasn’t. I’m not wasting my time with a third date, but I wanted to tell you that in person. I figured that was the decent thing to do.”
“I need to go.”
And he left, and I admired her class and composure.
Charlie’s – Yeah, a Charlie’s is still with us. But not THE Charlie’s. Charlie’s first place, a little hole-in-the-wall place, had a great jukebox, didn’t feel like a sports bar, and was a wonderful place to hang out. I’m glad Charlie has been successful enough to open her nice huge place, and it is good she always does great business. But I still miss the old place.
Coralville Country Kitchen – Another place I worked, but that’s not the reason. First off, the counter. Dining counters rule. Second, the breakfast menu – skillet scramble with wheat toast, over easy farm skillet with wheat toast, sausage biscuit skillet with poached. Mmmm.
Fieldhouse – Not the bar, the place where they used to play winter sports. Yeah, the seats were crappy, the view often obstructed, and it was falling down. But it was a hellishly intimidating place for opposing teams, much more so than Carver-Hawkeye has ever been.
Green Pepper Pizza – On the strip where Randy’s is now, the Green Pepper had the best pizza in town. They put sauce in the crust way, way before Pizza Hut ever came up with the idea, and every pizza had a slice of green pepper on it. At the time Iowa City pizza choices primarily consisted of Pagliai’s, Happy Joe’s, and the Green Pepper, and Green Pepper was the best.
Magoo’s – WARNING: Midget sex talk ahead. For those who don’t know where it was, Magoo’s occupied that space between Rentertainment and Taste of China. Can’t remember what is there now – the Chill And Grill was there for awhile. Magoo’s was a neighborhood bar with a great jukebox. We would always go there on Wednesday’s during law school. Sure, we’d start out at the Airliner with every other law student, but after a few hours we would walk to Magoo’s.
But I was a Magoo’s regular long before that. I used to live a block away, and would always go there when in need of a beer. Hooked up quite a few times out of Magoo’s, the geekiest being a time a friend I was with saw other friends of his. I struck up a conversation with one of the females, and it turned out she was also a big comics fan. A DC fan. At the time I was pure Marvel, so we had a huge DC-Marvel debate the whole evening until she invited me to her place to see some of her favorite DC comics. Geeks in lust.
Still Magoo’s didn’t turn into the place I loved and missed until later, when I was working at Country Kitchen in Coralville. I was working second shift, getting home around 11:30. Every work night, unless a bunch of folks were going out from work, I would get home, shower, then take the block trip to Magoo’s. After a few weeks of this, it got to the point that, whenever I walked in the door, no matter who was working (unless they were brand new), the bartender would say “Hi Dweeze”, draw my beer, grab a bag of pretzels, and set it down at an open space at the bar. I didn’t drink a lot – normally only a beer or two – and then say good night and head home.
But one time the bartender on duty did much more than that for me. For some reason, I was drinking hard. Hard. And when the cute girl I was talking to asked if I wanted to sit at a table with her, I said sure. As she scampered down off the bar stool, I realized that she wasn’t just short, she was a midget. Undeterred, we went to a table, where I was soon locking lips with her. We made plans to go to her place. She excused herself to go to the bathroom, and that’s when the bartender stepped in.
“Dweeze” he said, “normally we enjoy watching patrons make fools of themselves. But you’re one of the few regulars we tolerate, and as much as seeing a drunk make out with a midget usually sends us laughing, we would prefer that it be someone other than you.”
“But she’s cute!” I protested.
“No she’s not. Trust me, she’s not. She’s not nice either. Now, I will cover for you – tell her you had a phone call and had to leave. But you better go fast.”
And I did. Later, when I saw her again, I realized he was right. She asked where I had gone to, I said my girlfriend had called looking for me, and she let it drop.
BONUS MIDGET SEX STORY
Why my fear of midget sex? My sophomore year in college I ended up rooming first semester with an alcoholic freshman and a born-again hair-lipped nursing student. Yeah, you heard me right. It was in Daum, where the floors alternated men and women. Up on one of the women’s floors lived a midget, though not the same one I would later encounter. So one Friday evening, or more accurately, early Saturday morning, I awoke to the sounds of a fight from the bunk underneath mine. A male voice was pleading with a female voice to stay, that this had never happened to him before, and the tiny female voice replied “You’re too drunk to even get it up Jim!” And with that I heard her leave the bed, walk to the door, open it, and saw a very small shadow get cast into the room. Later, when I asked him about it, he said “I got drunk and thought ‘When am I going to have the chance to nail a midget again?’,” and while that is certainly a fine philosophy, you also don’t want the whole midget community discussing your inability to perform under pressure. So discretion, as always, is the better part of valor.
Pearson’s Drug – Even if the lunch counter is still at That’s Rentertainment (and I thought I read that they were taking it out), it wasn’t the same as going to the counter when it was Pearson’s. Where else could you get an egg salad on whole wheat toast, a malt, a cup of soup, and have change for a $5? Special props because Pearson’s was where I always got comics before the first comic shop opened in Iowa City.
Red Stallion – I can’t believe the Iowa City area doesn’t have a live-music country bar. The Stallion was great, and not just because I scored there a few times. (Most movie-like pickup: One night during law school, a few of us were out there. I asked a woman to dance, and as we were on the floor slow-dancing, she asked what I did. I said “I go to law school.” She said “Like a cop? You going to be a cop? I love cops!” Me, pausing, then “Yes. I’m going to be a cop.”) I also spent several months in the mid-80s as the Twist Champion, finally losing the title when I didn’t show up for the monthly contest. Good times. Goooood times.
BJ’s Records – The closet thing Iowa City has ever had to the Electric Fetus in Minneapolis, the best record store in the world. A great selection, decent prices, and always good music playing. I bought the first copy of Springsteen’s The River sold in Iowa City at BJ's.
Breadline – The best Iowa City restaurant no one ever went to, though not for lack of trying on my part. I took dates there, took friends there, went to eat there by myself. Still, even on a Friday night there was never more than a handful of people. Maybe that’s what happens when your theme is the Great Depression. The tables didn’t match each other, the chairs didn’t match the tables, and the tableware didn’t match. (The idea being that because it was the Depression, it cost too much to have coordinated décor and plates and such.) The food was great, the service tolerable (way slow, though always pleasant to look at). Just didn’t last.
Burger Palace – If you lived in the area while the Palace was open, you know the song.
“Everybody loves Burger Palace
Appetizing Burger Palace
Everything you’re looking for
Hamburgers and so much more
Your good taste will recall
Burger Palace has it all
Come on in and have a ball
Listen to your good taste call for
Burger Palace!”
Or, as I used to sing while working there:
“At the Palace
The Burger Palace
The hottest spot north of Dallas
At the Palace
The Burger Palace
Burgers and French fries were always the best buys at
The Palace!”
The food was good (if you ever saw a reference to Snack Packs in Bloom County, that was us – Breathed used to come in all the time), the service eccentric (who can forget Doug the foot fetishist running the register), and the clientele, uhm, bizarre.
One of my favorite things to do was sweep and mop the dining room floor after lunch rush. Seriously. You got to hear the best conversations. One time as I was mopping, Quasar (how many of you hear that and know who I am talking about – probably none) was standing in the middle, waving his hands. Quasar always waved his hands, talking to the air. Always. Everywhere he went, he was animatedly carrying on a conversation with no one. (Rumor had it that he was riding in a car, carrying on a conversation with a friend, when the car hit a truck and the friend was decapitated. I’m sure rumor was untrue.) Anyway, on this occasion, I noticed something different. Quasar had quit moving his hands. Instead, he held his (constant companion) cigarette at arm’s length, staring at it. Suddenly he whispered “Fuck You!” to the cigarette, threw it to the floor, and turned and started walking away. But no sooner had he done that then he turned back around again, picked the cigarette up, apologized to it, and walked out waving his arms talking to the air. Or the cigarette.
But that’s not my favorite mopping the floor story. On another occasion, as I neared a booth where a man and a woman were sitting, I saw him place a small box on the table. She opened it, revealing an engagement ring as he asked her to marry him. This struck me as pretty cool, as something they would always remember, as – wait. She’s frowning. I kept mopping, and heard the following:
“Uhm Steve, we’ve only been going out for two weeks.”
“Yes, but I feel like I know you so well.”
“Uhm Steve, we only went out twice.”
“Yes, but they were such great dates, and I know they meant as much to you as to me, because why else would you ask to meet me here today?”
“Uhm Steve, I asked to meet you here because I thought it best to tell you in person that I didn’t want to go out with you anymore.”
Silence. Dead silence.
“But I, but”
“Steve, I didn’t have fun the first time we went out. In spite of that, I agreed to go out a second time in case the first was a fluke. It wasn’t. I’m not wasting my time with a third date, but I wanted to tell you that in person. I figured that was the decent thing to do.”
“I need to go.”
And he left, and I admired her class and composure.
Charlie’s – Yeah, a Charlie’s is still with us. But not THE Charlie’s. Charlie’s first place, a little hole-in-the-wall place, had a great jukebox, didn’t feel like a sports bar, and was a wonderful place to hang out. I’m glad Charlie has been successful enough to open her nice huge place, and it is good she always does great business. But I still miss the old place.
Coralville Country Kitchen – Another place I worked, but that’s not the reason. First off, the counter. Dining counters rule. Second, the breakfast menu – skillet scramble with wheat toast, over easy farm skillet with wheat toast, sausage biscuit skillet with poached. Mmmm.
Fieldhouse – Not the bar, the place where they used to play winter sports. Yeah, the seats were crappy, the view often obstructed, and it was falling down. But it was a hellishly intimidating place for opposing teams, much more so than Carver-Hawkeye has ever been.
Green Pepper Pizza – On the strip where Randy’s is now, the Green Pepper had the best pizza in town. They put sauce in the crust way, way before Pizza Hut ever came up with the idea, and every pizza had a slice of green pepper on it. At the time Iowa City pizza choices primarily consisted of Pagliai’s, Happy Joe’s, and the Green Pepper, and Green Pepper was the best.
Magoo’s – WARNING: Midget sex talk ahead. For those who don’t know where it was, Magoo’s occupied that space between Rentertainment and Taste of China. Can’t remember what is there now – the Chill And Grill was there for awhile. Magoo’s was a neighborhood bar with a great jukebox. We would always go there on Wednesday’s during law school. Sure, we’d start out at the Airliner with every other law student, but after a few hours we would walk to Magoo’s.
But I was a Magoo’s regular long before that. I used to live a block away, and would always go there when in need of a beer. Hooked up quite a few times out of Magoo’s, the geekiest being a time a friend I was with saw other friends of his. I struck up a conversation with one of the females, and it turned out she was also a big comics fan. A DC fan. At the time I was pure Marvel, so we had a huge DC-Marvel debate the whole evening until she invited me to her place to see some of her favorite DC comics. Geeks in lust.
Still Magoo’s didn’t turn into the place I loved and missed until later, when I was working at Country Kitchen in Coralville. I was working second shift, getting home around 11:30. Every work night, unless a bunch of folks were going out from work, I would get home, shower, then take the block trip to Magoo’s. After a few weeks of this, it got to the point that, whenever I walked in the door, no matter who was working (unless they were brand new), the bartender would say “Hi Dweeze”, draw my beer, grab a bag of pretzels, and set it down at an open space at the bar. I didn’t drink a lot – normally only a beer or two – and then say good night and head home.
But one time the bartender on duty did much more than that for me. For some reason, I was drinking hard. Hard. And when the cute girl I was talking to asked if I wanted to sit at a table with her, I said sure. As she scampered down off the bar stool, I realized that she wasn’t just short, she was a midget. Undeterred, we went to a table, where I was soon locking lips with her. We made plans to go to her place. She excused herself to go to the bathroom, and that’s when the bartender stepped in.
“Dweeze” he said, “normally we enjoy watching patrons make fools of themselves. But you’re one of the few regulars we tolerate, and as much as seeing a drunk make out with a midget usually sends us laughing, we would prefer that it be someone other than you.”
“But she’s cute!” I protested.
“No she’s not. Trust me, she’s not. She’s not nice either. Now, I will cover for you – tell her you had a phone call and had to leave. But you better go fast.”
And I did. Later, when I saw her again, I realized he was right. She asked where I had gone to, I said my girlfriend had called looking for me, and she let it drop.
BONUS MIDGET SEX STORY
Why my fear of midget sex? My sophomore year in college I ended up rooming first semester with an alcoholic freshman and a born-again hair-lipped nursing student. Yeah, you heard me right. It was in Daum, where the floors alternated men and women. Up on one of the women’s floors lived a midget, though not the same one I would later encounter. So one Friday evening, or more accurately, early Saturday morning, I awoke to the sounds of a fight from the bunk underneath mine. A male voice was pleading with a female voice to stay, that this had never happened to him before, and the tiny female voice replied “You’re too drunk to even get it up Jim!” And with that I heard her leave the bed, walk to the door, open it, and saw a very small shadow get cast into the room. Later, when I asked him about it, he said “I got drunk and thought ‘When am I going to have the chance to nail a midget again?’,” and while that is certainly a fine philosophy, you also don’t want the whole midget community discussing your inability to perform under pressure. So discretion, as always, is the better part of valor.
Pearson’s Drug – Even if the lunch counter is still at That’s Rentertainment (and I thought I read that they were taking it out), it wasn’t the same as going to the counter when it was Pearson’s. Where else could you get an egg salad on whole wheat toast, a malt, a cup of soup, and have change for a $5? Special props because Pearson’s was where I always got comics before the first comic shop opened in Iowa City.
Red Stallion – I can’t believe the Iowa City area doesn’t have a live-music country bar. The Stallion was great, and not just because I scored there a few times. (Most movie-like pickup: One night during law school, a few of us were out there. I asked a woman to dance, and as we were on the floor slow-dancing, she asked what I did. I said “I go to law school.” She said “Like a cop? You going to be a cop? I love cops!” Me, pausing, then “Yes. I’m going to be a cop.”) I also spent several months in the mid-80s as the Twist Champion, finally losing the title when I didn’t show up for the monthly contest. Good times. Goooood times.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
I Went To Random Mentality And All I Got Was This Lousy Meme
Kris at Random nailed me with a meme. Now, there is a lot of stuff going along with it that feels awfully chainletterish (she her original post here), so I’m going to skip that. But I will go for the basic premise. Which is:
Five Things I Miss From My Childhood
Some caveats. I’m not feeling particularly loquacious lately, so this may be brief. I’ve got those “moving soon and damn hot and life bites and everything falls down at once on you” blues. Second, I’m not generally into the looking back thing. I’d much rather look forward. Not that my past is bad, by any means. Quite the contrary. But that my past is always with me, singing harmony. It is fully a part of me, so I don’t feel the need to look back at it.
What I didn’t include: I thought about including discovery, that feeling that everything is new and exciting. But I don’t miss that – for one thing, I still experience it, still am open to it. For another, having a two and a half year old lets you re-experience it. You can feel again the joy of seeing a train pass, or ducks, or putting a stack of blocks together. And I thought about saying a sense of wonder, but I try to approach my world that way anyway, reveling in the things God gave us, enjoying the small and large gifts. And I seriously considered freedom, lack of obligations, at least the sort that tie adults up in knots. Being able to roam, explore, feeling unfettered and alive. Nobody calling me up for favors. No one’s future to decide. That sort of thing. But I spent most of my adult life with that kind of freedom, and freedom has it’s own constraints. So I’ll stick with specific things, not concepts.
So with that in mind, the list.
1. My dad. I really don’t feel I need to go any farther down the list than that, though I will. But damn, just saying that is enough to make the tears well up a little. So, I’m not going to talk further about my dad, except to say that few days go by when I don’t think of him or miss him or wish I could talk to him about something. I’ll add my pet theory as well – men don’t truly grow up until their father passes away. Doesn’t matter how old they are, or if they have families of their own, or what they’ve gone through. As long as a man’s father is alive, he isn’t completely grown up – it’s that passing that takes you the last step, that makes you realize that there is no longer any man more significant in your life than yourself.
2. Knot hole games at Kinnick Stadium. Back when the Hawks were bad, bad, bad, and before the first stadium remodel, kids could get in free with their parents. You had to sit in the end zone bleachers, but you could run around and watch the game and generally have a great time.
3. Cheap gas. Gas was $.42 a gallon when I started driving, and didn’t reach the $1 a gallon spot for a looooooooooonnnnnnnggggggggg time. We would get in the car on a Friday night and drive, drive, drive, just seeing what there was.
4. Going to grandpa and grandma’s farm for a week every summer. Driving a tractor, annoying livestock, playing in the barns. Going into town to the A&W for a frosty mug of root beer. Seeing my cousins, hanging out with them.
5. Sleeping in the car. I used to love the feeling of sitting in the car, coming back from a relative’s house, and falling asleep to the rhythm of the road.
So there’s my list. Now, the chain letter parts involve me acknowledging where this thing has come from and challenging others to do it. Not going to do that. But I will ask any of my faithful readers if they want to take this up and do a post. So, do any of my faithful readers want to take this up and do a post?
Five Things I Miss From My Childhood
Some caveats. I’m not feeling particularly loquacious lately, so this may be brief. I’ve got those “moving soon and damn hot and life bites and everything falls down at once on you” blues. Second, I’m not generally into the looking back thing. I’d much rather look forward. Not that my past is bad, by any means. Quite the contrary. But that my past is always with me, singing harmony. It is fully a part of me, so I don’t feel the need to look back at it.
What I didn’t include: I thought about including discovery, that feeling that everything is new and exciting. But I don’t miss that – for one thing, I still experience it, still am open to it. For another, having a two and a half year old lets you re-experience it. You can feel again the joy of seeing a train pass, or ducks, or putting a stack of blocks together. And I thought about saying a sense of wonder, but I try to approach my world that way anyway, reveling in the things God gave us, enjoying the small and large gifts. And I seriously considered freedom, lack of obligations, at least the sort that tie adults up in knots. Being able to roam, explore, feeling unfettered and alive. Nobody calling me up for favors. No one’s future to decide. That sort of thing. But I spent most of my adult life with that kind of freedom, and freedom has it’s own constraints. So I’ll stick with specific things, not concepts.
So with that in mind, the list.
1. My dad. I really don’t feel I need to go any farther down the list than that, though I will. But damn, just saying that is enough to make the tears well up a little. So, I’m not going to talk further about my dad, except to say that few days go by when I don’t think of him or miss him or wish I could talk to him about something. I’ll add my pet theory as well – men don’t truly grow up until their father passes away. Doesn’t matter how old they are, or if they have families of their own, or what they’ve gone through. As long as a man’s father is alive, he isn’t completely grown up – it’s that passing that takes you the last step, that makes you realize that there is no longer any man more significant in your life than yourself.
2. Knot hole games at Kinnick Stadium. Back when the Hawks were bad, bad, bad, and before the first stadium remodel, kids could get in free with their parents. You had to sit in the end zone bleachers, but you could run around and watch the game and generally have a great time.
3. Cheap gas. Gas was $.42 a gallon when I started driving, and didn’t reach the $1 a gallon spot for a looooooooooonnnnnnnggggggggg time. We would get in the car on a Friday night and drive, drive, drive, just seeing what there was.
4. Going to grandpa and grandma’s farm for a week every summer. Driving a tractor, annoying livestock, playing in the barns. Going into town to the A&W for a frosty mug of root beer. Seeing my cousins, hanging out with them.
5. Sleeping in the car. I used to love the feeling of sitting in the car, coming back from a relative’s house, and falling asleep to the rhythm of the road.
So there’s my list. Now, the chain letter parts involve me acknowledging where this thing has come from and challenging others to do it. Not going to do that. But I will ask any of my faithful readers if they want to take this up and do a post. So, do any of my faithful readers want to take this up and do a post?
Friday, June 17, 2005
Thought For The Day
The issue isn't whether or not we are the same as the Nazis, the issue is that we aren't different enough. Avi Schlaim, Israeli historian.
Or, in other words, don’t we as Americans aspire to something higher than “We aren’t as bad as the worst people who ever were!”?
Or, in other words, don’t we as Americans aspire to something higher than “We aren’t as bad as the worst people who ever were!”?
Wednesday, June 15, 2005
Batman Begins - Thoughts
This is a great film. This is a stunning film. This is the most perfectly realized comic book film ever. As much as I loved the two Burton films, I recognized after watching Batman Begins that Burton's films owe far more allegiance to the tv show than to the original source material. Would it really be that jarring to have a huge *BAM* or *POW* appear onscreen when Nicholson's Joker or DeVito's Penguin makes an appearance? Batman Begins, on the other hand, is a graphic novel brought to screen. The strength of the film is grounding it in a real world - I found Gotham much more effective as a real city than as the construct Burton made it. (And again, much more in line with the original source material.) The casting was excellent, other than Katie Holmes, and the problem with Katie wasn't so much the casting as the fact that, with the exceptions of Leslie Thompkins and Renee Montoya, there aren't any interesting non-costumed women in the Bat Universe.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Batman Begins Update
Matt, TanMan, and I will be attending the Batman Begins midnight show at Coral Ridge this evening. If you come, look for us playing poker in the line. Review tomorrow.
Funny Stuff
Go read this by Chris at Shield Your Eyes. Now. If nothing else, read this and the follow-up. His other stuff is good reading, too, but this? Is hilarious.
Batman Begins
Midnight showing. Tonight. Coral Ridge or Cinema 6. Who's with me?
(Offer limited to Iowa City area readers only, unless those of you in the far reaches of the country want to try to get here by midnight central, in which case let me know and I'll get tickets for you. You're on your own for popcorn, though.)
(Offer limited to Iowa City area readers only, unless those of you in the far reaches of the country want to try to get here by midnight central, in which case let me know and I'll get tickets for you. You're on your own for popcorn, though.)
Monday, June 13, 2005
Jackson Verdict In
You know, you’re such a smooth criminal with the way you make me feel. It don’t matter if you’re black or white, cause I’m dangerous. You wanna be starting something? I want to rock with you (all night), and don’t stop til you get enough. I told the man in the mirror that the girl was mine, but I just can’t stop loving you.
P.S. I told Billie Jean it was human nature to beat it, and now she’s out of my life.
P.S. I told Billie Jean it was human nature to beat it, and now she’s out of my life.
This Makes Me Feel Good
Pilots crashed because they tried to see how high their plane could go. Film at eleven, story at Yahoo.
Strange, but I am not comforted that Beavis and Butthead not only got pilot licenses but also got hired together. I was going to make up dialogue, but I didn't have to do so. Quoting from the story:
"Man, we can do it, 41-it," said Cesarz at 9:48 p.m. A minute later, Rhodes said, "40 thousand, baby."
Two minutes later, "There's 41-0, my man," Cesarz said. "Made it, man."
At 9:52 p.m., one of the pilots popped a can of Pepsi and they joked about drinking beer. A minute later, Cesarz said, "This is the greatest thing, no way."
But at 10:03 p.m., the pilots reported their engine had failed. Five minutes later, they said both engines had failed and they wanted a direct route to any airport.
Okay, I do have to make up dialogue:
"Dude, what a buzzkill, we're crashing."
"Dude, if we had some Dew, we could jump out and float down and land on our Dew-powered bodies and walk away without a scratch."
"Dude, that would be so totally awesome! Not like this crashing and dying thing, which is so totally NOT-awesome."
"Dude, there you go with the buzzkill again."
Fortunately, the plane was empty. Doubly fortunately, these two will never fly again.
Strange, but I am not comforted that Beavis and Butthead not only got pilot licenses but also got hired together. I was going to make up dialogue, but I didn't have to do so. Quoting from the story:
"Man, we can do it, 41-it," said Cesarz at 9:48 p.m. A minute later, Rhodes said, "40 thousand, baby."
Two minutes later, "There's 41-0, my man," Cesarz said. "Made it, man."
At 9:52 p.m., one of the pilots popped a can of Pepsi and they joked about drinking beer. A minute later, Cesarz said, "This is the greatest thing, no way."
But at 10:03 p.m., the pilots reported their engine had failed. Five minutes later, they said both engines had failed and they wanted a direct route to any airport.
Okay, I do have to make up dialogue:
"Dude, what a buzzkill, we're crashing."
"Dude, if we had some Dew, we could jump out and float down and land on our Dew-powered bodies and walk away without a scratch."
"Dude, that would be so totally awesome! Not like this crashing and dying thing, which is so totally NOT-awesome."
"Dude, there you go with the buzzkill again."
Fortunately, the plane was empty. Doubly fortunately, these two will never fly again.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
Linkage Part Whatever
Once again, time to update the links. I’ve added Pam at Brain Fart and Ilse at Rogue Myrmidon into the Friends and Family category. I’ve also added Balloon Juice and Kung Fu Monkey to the main listings. Balloon Juice is a conservative commentator who should not be missed; Kung Fu Monkey is a screenwriter with interesting observations on movies and TV.
Wednesday, June 08, 2005
Sith Happens
I took Andrew to see Revenge of the Sith on Sunday. (Lesa had seen it while she was in Portland, and we figured it would be too much for Ethan.) Now, my opinion of the movie is not colored by the fact that I saw four cool previews – the Owen Wilson / Vince Vaughn Wedding Crashers (presumably also featuring Will Ferrell and Ben Stiller, as those four are contractually bound to appear in each other’s movies and you know, the scenes of them bouncing into beds with scantily clad women were probably more inappropriate for young audience members than anything in Revenge of the Sith); Steven Spielberg’s (We Only Took The Title From H.G. Wells And Nothing Else And We Took That Not Because Most People Coming To This Movie Know The Book Or A Previous Version Of The Movie But Because It’s A Cool Title) War of the Worlds, and while I would like this movie a lot more if it didn’t have Tom Cruise in it, it still looks pretty cool; Batman Begins, which there is no chance whatsoever I won’t see; and Fantastic Four, which I am cautiously optimistic on – wait, which I’m very optimistic on – cool, cool trailer. So I was in a good mood when Sith began.
I’m going to play the “Dweeze is old” card again. I saw Star Wars in its original run, back when it was just Star Wars and not Episode Four: A New Hope. Hell, I remember seeing the original trailer. (It? Was a very cheesy trailer.) You can’t truly appreciate what Star Wars was, what it meant, unless you were there at the time. You can’t know how different it was from all that came before without that context. You just can’t. The only comparable movie-going experience I’ve had in my lifetime was seeing The Matrix. Both movies set a new bar, and if subsequent sequels didn’t reach the same bar, or didn’t also set a new bar, well, that’s how it goes.
Now I’m not saying that the elements that make up Star Wars weren’t there before. They were. But something about the way they were put together made the movie so special. Empire and Jedi were able to continue that mixture, and both are films well worth watching. Menace and Clones, perhaps because they were so far removed from the original films, were not able to recapture that specialness. Oh, they have there moments – at least Menace does. But they don’t feel like valid heirs to Star Wars. Sith does. Sith lives in that universe, recaptures that magic, and is a worthy addition to the canon.
I’m going to play the “Dweeze is old” card again. I saw Star Wars in its original run, back when it was just Star Wars and not Episode Four: A New Hope. Hell, I remember seeing the original trailer. (It? Was a very cheesy trailer.) You can’t truly appreciate what Star Wars was, what it meant, unless you were there at the time. You can’t know how different it was from all that came before without that context. You just can’t. The only comparable movie-going experience I’ve had in my lifetime was seeing The Matrix. Both movies set a new bar, and if subsequent sequels didn’t reach the same bar, or didn’t also set a new bar, well, that’s how it goes.
Now I’m not saying that the elements that make up Star Wars weren’t there before. They were. But something about the way they were put together made the movie so special. Empire and Jedi were able to continue that mixture, and both are films well worth watching. Menace and Clones, perhaps because they were so far removed from the original films, were not able to recapture that specialness. Oh, they have there moments – at least Menace does. But they don’t feel like valid heirs to Star Wars. Sith does. Sith lives in that universe, recaptures that magic, and is a worthy addition to the canon.
Tuesday, June 07, 2005
Inexplicable Toys
Andrew and I were at K-Mart last night, looking for one of those plastic pools because it was SO DAMN HOT! Naturally, Andrew can’t go anywhere with a toy aisle without looking at the toy aisle. The same applies to me of course. But I digress.
There, in the clearance toy aisle, on the top shelf in the clearance toy aisle, was a toy I had never seen before, a toy I would never have dreamed existed. That toy? A toy Shop-Vac.
I’ll let that sink in.
I imagine the following scene played out more or less in every household where a toy Shop-Vac has been given as a gift.
(Interior family living room, on the occasion of the son’s sixth birthday. Present are father, mother, and son.)
Father: Here’s your last present! (Hands box to son.)
Six-Year Old Son: Oh boy! It’s huge. (Unwraps, revealing toy Shop-Vac.)
Mother: What the …?
(Long, uncomfortable pause.)
Father: It’s a Shop-Vac. A toy Shop-Vac. Now, after you use your toy tools to pretend to build something, you can use your toy Shop-Vac to pretend to clean up!
(Another long, uncomfortable pause.)
Six-Year Old Son: Fuck you dad.
Father: (To mother.) Did you hear what he just said?
Mother: I could have married Carl you know. I COULD HAVE MARRIED CARL!
There, in the clearance toy aisle, on the top shelf in the clearance toy aisle, was a toy I had never seen before, a toy I would never have dreamed existed. That toy? A toy Shop-Vac.
I’ll let that sink in.
I imagine the following scene played out more or less in every household where a toy Shop-Vac has been given as a gift.
(Interior family living room, on the occasion of the son’s sixth birthday. Present are father, mother, and son.)
Father: Here’s your last present! (Hands box to son.)
Six-Year Old Son: Oh boy! It’s huge. (Unwraps, revealing toy Shop-Vac.)
Mother: What the …?
(Long, uncomfortable pause.)
Father: It’s a Shop-Vac. A toy Shop-Vac. Now, after you use your toy tools to pretend to build something, you can use your toy Shop-Vac to pretend to clean up!
(Another long, uncomfortable pause.)
Six-Year Old Son: Fuck you dad.
Father: (To mother.) Did you hear what he just said?
Mother: I could have married Carl you know. I COULD HAVE MARRIED CARL!
Statistically, It Was Bound To Happen Someday
A team coached by Larry Brown will play a team formerly coached by Larry Brown for the NBA Championship.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
Presidents Of The United States
Matt has a post here about the Presidents in his lifetime. This struck me as a cool idea, and since the blogosphere would be nothing without people taking other people’s ideas, I thought I would jump in with my rankings of the President’s in my lifetime (1959-2005).
Starting from the bottom:
10. Bush II: Not just the worst President of my lifetime. The worst President ever. Heads an administration that is ten times more corrupt than Nixon but with none of the pragmatic streak Nixon had. The nicest thing I can say about him is that I think he sincerely believes the crap he spews. The worst thing I can say about him is that I think he sincerely believes the crap he spews. The deaths of thousands of Americans, and tens of thousand Iraqis, are directly on his head.
9. Reagan: Overrated hack. His sole contribution to the end of the Cold War was to stand around doing nothing, this despite the protestations of the intelligence community requesting action. By this standard, Reagan should also get credit for the sun rising every day, my graduating from college and law school, and the Challenger disaster. Signed into law the largest single tax increase in U.S. history, and if you want to see a young Republican’s head explode, you can point out that fact.
8. Kennedy: Pretty boy who looked Presidential instead of being Presidential. Unable to get a single piece of substantive legislation passed. Gave birth to phrase “Vote Early, Vote Often”. His becoming President may have been the single worst thing to happen to the Democratic party in the history of the party – it added a great deal of fuel to the paranoia Nixon exhibited, it put the Dems in position to suffer the consequences of Vietnam, and it gave the Republicans the opportunity to craft the Southern Strategy that would serve them very well in seven Presidential elections.
7. Ford: Caretaker President. More notable as punch line to a joke or assassin’s target than as President. On the other hand, didn’t actively try to make society worse, and didn’t inspire cult of devoted and deluded followers.
6. Bush I: Nice guy, smart guy, way in over his head guy. Very knowledgeable about foreign affairs, yet let others wrangle foreign policy away from him.
5. Carter: Not given anywhere near enough credit for what he actually did. Despite popular misperception, economy actually stronger under Carter than any of the three Republicans who followed him (Reagan, Bush I, Bush II). Devoted humanitarian who truly cared about people.
4. Eisenhower: Led country to strong economy, peace, and stability. Perfect post-war President.
3. Johnson: Effective Senator who became an effective President. Got more substantive pieces of legislation passed before noon than most Presidents get passed all day. Put in place framework for Great Society that improves lives to this day. Refused to run for re-election rather than try to defend indefensible foreign policy decisions.
2. Nixon: Rated solely on his crimes, he’d be in ninth. Rated on the good qualities, second. Those crimes are well documented: domestic spying, authorizing break-ins, assassination plots. Not so well documented are the good things he did – improved the economy, ended the war, opened up China and the Soviet Union (this did much, much more to end the Cold War than Reagan ever did). Truly cared about working class families and working class people, as that is where he came from. Hated wealthy people who pretended to be working class (he had a hatred of the Bush family so intense that Bush I was considered by many to be the most likely candidate for Deep Throat). Supposedly won enough money playing poker in the service (where he actually, you know, SERVED) to finance his first run for Congress.
1. Clinton: One of the top five Presidents ever. Maybe top three. By any qualitative measure, country was better off after eight years of Clinton than any other period this century. Would STILL be President today if not for those pesky term limitations. Lied about sex to the American public, causing harm to no one, prompting Republican outrage orgy, unlike Bush II, who lied about the existence of weapons of mass destruction, causing the deaths of tens of thousands, prompting nary a peep from the Republican party. Beautiful political instincts mixed with, what is by all accounts of people who have met him, a genuine concern about the people. It was an honor to vote for him twice.
Starting from the bottom:
10. Bush II: Not just the worst President of my lifetime. The worst President ever. Heads an administration that is ten times more corrupt than Nixon but with none of the pragmatic streak Nixon had. The nicest thing I can say about him is that I think he sincerely believes the crap he spews. The worst thing I can say about him is that I think he sincerely believes the crap he spews. The deaths of thousands of Americans, and tens of thousand Iraqis, are directly on his head.
9. Reagan: Overrated hack. His sole contribution to the end of the Cold War was to stand around doing nothing, this despite the protestations of the intelligence community requesting action. By this standard, Reagan should also get credit for the sun rising every day, my graduating from college and law school, and the Challenger disaster. Signed into law the largest single tax increase in U.S. history, and if you want to see a young Republican’s head explode, you can point out that fact.
8. Kennedy: Pretty boy who looked Presidential instead of being Presidential. Unable to get a single piece of substantive legislation passed. Gave birth to phrase “Vote Early, Vote Often”. His becoming President may have been the single worst thing to happen to the Democratic party in the history of the party – it added a great deal of fuel to the paranoia Nixon exhibited, it put the Dems in position to suffer the consequences of Vietnam, and it gave the Republicans the opportunity to craft the Southern Strategy that would serve them very well in seven Presidential elections.
7. Ford: Caretaker President. More notable as punch line to a joke or assassin’s target than as President. On the other hand, didn’t actively try to make society worse, and didn’t inspire cult of devoted and deluded followers.
6. Bush I: Nice guy, smart guy, way in over his head guy. Very knowledgeable about foreign affairs, yet let others wrangle foreign policy away from him.
5. Carter: Not given anywhere near enough credit for what he actually did. Despite popular misperception, economy actually stronger under Carter than any of the three Republicans who followed him (Reagan, Bush I, Bush II). Devoted humanitarian who truly cared about people.
4. Eisenhower: Led country to strong economy, peace, and stability. Perfect post-war President.
3. Johnson: Effective Senator who became an effective President. Got more substantive pieces of legislation passed before noon than most Presidents get passed all day. Put in place framework for Great Society that improves lives to this day. Refused to run for re-election rather than try to defend indefensible foreign policy decisions.
2. Nixon: Rated solely on his crimes, he’d be in ninth. Rated on the good qualities, second. Those crimes are well documented: domestic spying, authorizing break-ins, assassination plots. Not so well documented are the good things he did – improved the economy, ended the war, opened up China and the Soviet Union (this did much, much more to end the Cold War than Reagan ever did). Truly cared about working class families and working class people, as that is where he came from. Hated wealthy people who pretended to be working class (he had a hatred of the Bush family so intense that Bush I was considered by many to be the most likely candidate for Deep Throat). Supposedly won enough money playing poker in the service (where he actually, you know, SERVED) to finance his first run for Congress.
1. Clinton: One of the top five Presidents ever. Maybe top three. By any qualitative measure, country was better off after eight years of Clinton than any other period this century. Would STILL be President today if not for those pesky term limitations. Lied about sex to the American public, causing harm to no one, prompting Republican outrage orgy, unlike Bush II, who lied about the existence of weapons of mass destruction, causing the deaths of tens of thousands, prompting nary a peep from the Republican party. Beautiful political instincts mixed with, what is by all accounts of people who have met him, a genuine concern about the people. It was an honor to vote for him twice.
24 This And That
To me, this from the 24 Insider, who was able to accurately spoil every episode at least one week before it aired, just screams David Palmer dying in a bombing at the UN.
I’m hearing that the season will start off with the terrorist bombing of a “high-value target”. It’s unclear if the high-value target is a person or a building but it's looking more and more like a combination of both a prominent building and a high-ranking government official who will be among the many killed in the terrorist attack. There are several other scenarios I’ve heard rumblings about and every single one of them has the same concept of a terrorist bombing of a building with extremely strong international ties. They are also thinking about bringing back a former character to be among the many dead in the massive explosion.
It makes sense that they would kill Palmer – he is the toughest character to figure out a way to work into the plot, and yet a character people will always demand to see. At the UN, or some other international target, makes sense because the best way to bring Jack Bauer back, and resolve the issue of the Chinese, is to make it so Jack has to SAVE THE WORLD!
Also, in today’s Ask Ausiello column in TV Guide, it is revealed that a scene was filmed where Behrooz was found alive and the script originally had Michelle committing suicide when she thought Tony had died. The latter fact led Ausiello to comment that Tony and Michelle would be coming back next year.
I’m hearing that the season will start off with the terrorist bombing of a “high-value target”. It’s unclear if the high-value target is a person or a building but it's looking more and more like a combination of both a prominent building and a high-ranking government official who will be among the many killed in the terrorist attack. There are several other scenarios I’ve heard rumblings about and every single one of them has the same concept of a terrorist bombing of a building with extremely strong international ties. They are also thinking about bringing back a former character to be among the many dead in the massive explosion.
It makes sense that they would kill Palmer – he is the toughest character to figure out a way to work into the plot, and yet a character people will always demand to see. At the UN, or some other international target, makes sense because the best way to bring Jack Bauer back, and resolve the issue of the Chinese, is to make it so Jack has to SAVE THE WORLD!
Also, in today’s Ask Ausiello column in TV Guide, it is revealed that a scene was filmed where Behrooz was found alive and the script originally had Michelle committing suicide when she thought Tony had died. The latter fact led Ausiello to comment that Tony and Michelle would be coming back next year.
My Life As Expressed As An Old Henny Youngman Bit*
Actual conversation with an actual seven-year-old who bruised his knee at recess yesterday.
Seven-Year-Old: My knee hurts.
Me: Does it hurt all the time?
Seven-Year-Old: It hurts when I do this (pushes on knee).
Me: Then don’t do that!
*Actually, all Henny Youngman bits are old Henny Youngman bits.
Seven-Year-Old: My knee hurts.
Me: Does it hurt all the time?
Seven-Year-Old: It hurts when I do this (pushes on knee).
Me: Then don’t do that!
*Actually, all Henny Youngman bits are old Henny Youngman bits.
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Wednesday, May 25, 2005
Fortunes and Glory
Yesterday's Fortune Cookie Fortune: There is a prospect of a thrilling time ahead of you.
Today's Fortune Cookie Fortune: Do not hesitate to tackle to most difficult problems.
Apparently, it's going to be thrilling to tackle problems.
Today's Fortune Cookie Fortune: Do not hesitate to tackle to most difficult problems.
Apparently, it's going to be thrilling to tackle problems.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
Conservative Blog Post Recipe
In light of the previous post, I wrote this sometime ago during the Schiavo debacle. Seems like now is a good time to post it.
Ingredients:
1 vaguely homoerotic nickname
3-4 opinions from prominent conservative commentator (may be substituted with one opinion of one’s own repeated loudly and frequently)
3-4 facts, twisted
2 cups exaggeration
1 tablespoon gross exaggeration
Prominent Democrat reference (one for Hilary, two for Bill – may be substituted with 1 reference to Ted Kennedy, 3 references to Nancy Pelosi, or one positive reference to Joe Lieberman)
1-2 Incompetent and/or Liberal Press references (may use more as a substitute for a reference to a prominent Democrat)
Equation of opposition to evil, stupid, or both to taste
Paranoia to taste
Directions:
Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees. Mix ingredients well, being careful not to let any humor or deference to others you might disagree with accidentally get into the batter. Pour into greased cake pan, place in right side of oven on the uppermost rack. Bake until halfway done. Remove. Serve.
Notes:
Keep ingredients handy (a well-stocked conservative pantry will always have plenty of each).
If you’re using Coulter or Savage as your prominent conservative commentator, you only need to use half as much. Oh, and don’t forget the Powerline!
Feel free to use references to prominent local Democrats or local press outlets!
Ingredients:
1 vaguely homoerotic nickname
3-4 opinions from prominent conservative commentator (may be substituted with one opinion of one’s own repeated loudly and frequently)
3-4 facts, twisted
2 cups exaggeration
1 tablespoon gross exaggeration
Prominent Democrat reference (one for Hilary, two for Bill – may be substituted with 1 reference to Ted Kennedy, 3 references to Nancy Pelosi, or one positive reference to Joe Lieberman)
1-2 Incompetent and/or Liberal Press references (may use more as a substitute for a reference to a prominent Democrat)
Equation of opposition to evil, stupid, or both to taste
Paranoia to taste
Directions:
Pre-heat oven to 350 degrees. Mix ingredients well, being careful not to let any humor or deference to others you might disagree with accidentally get into the batter. Pour into greased cake pan, place in right side of oven on the uppermost rack. Bake until halfway done. Remove. Serve.
Notes:
Keep ingredients handy (a well-stocked conservative pantry will always have plenty of each).
If you’re using Coulter or Savage as your prominent conservative commentator, you only need to use half as much. Oh, and don’t forget the Powerline!
Feel free to use references to prominent local Democrats or local press outlets!
Fili-busted!
You know, I was all set to dislike the filibuster compromise. After all, anything that potentially allows a Janice “God Trumps The Constitution” Brown or a Priscilla “I Killed Willie Searcy” Owen to sit on a Court is not a good thing. But anything that causes raving lunatics to froth at the mouth like this deal has done can’t be a bad thing. I’d do some linkage, but you can’t swing a dead cat around the Web today without hitting a Conservative In Name Only blogger complaining about how they have been sold out.
Here’s the thoughts of a true conservative, John Cole at Balloon Juice. He’s someone who actually has the temerity to think for himself instead of just drinking the Powerline Kool-Aid and writing posts that mirror what the unholy trio have to say.
First, I have felt that all along that nominees deserve a vote. That just seems fair and appropriate. It does not, however, have any historical foundation in fact.
…
This was nothing more than a brazen power grab by my side, and everyone knows it. Fortunately, we get a few nominees put through, things go back to normal, and the Senate will not shut down. Life will go on.
As usual, the extremists will be screaming for heads. The evil moderates snatched 'defeat from the jaws of victory' (you will see phrase over and over again in the next few days) and they have betrayed the center-right coalition, and must be punished.
…
What Hugh and others fail is that the Republicans won because they wrap themselves up in the moderation of the centrists, presenting themselves as all cozy and warm and as 'compassionate conservatives.'
In other words- Bush is President in large part because moderates voted for him. It was Arnold Schwarzanalphabet and Rufy Guiliani and John McCain who were the most effective campaigners for Bush in 2004. I didn't see Dobson speaking at the GOP Convention. Republicans control the Senate and House because of moderate support. Try to organize a Republican leadership without the moderates. It fails.
At any rate, I voted for the Republicans, and all they have done is shit all over me since election day. The bankruptcy bill, the censorship calls, the pandering to the religious right, the new mandatory minimus bill, the Patriot Act II, and so on and so forth. It is about time we gave in to some 'moderation.' What else am I getting out of this coalition that demands my pure loyalty but offers me nothing in return?
The hard-liners don't get it, though. They think because you support them some of the time, you must support them all of the time. They think in terms of permanent lock-step coalitions, not coalitions about ideas or issues. They are wrong.
At any rate, calls for conservative purity should fall on deaf ears. The Republicans are in control of the government in large part because of the moderates, not in spite of them. Go give money to these seven, they are going to get shit on by the extremists for the next few years. You should support them. (emphasis added)
Here’s the thoughts of a true conservative, John Cole at Balloon Juice. He’s someone who actually has the temerity to think for himself instead of just drinking the Powerline Kool-Aid and writing posts that mirror what the unholy trio have to say.
First, I have felt that all along that nominees deserve a vote. That just seems fair and appropriate. It does not, however, have any historical foundation in fact.
…
This was nothing more than a brazen power grab by my side, and everyone knows it. Fortunately, we get a few nominees put through, things go back to normal, and the Senate will not shut down. Life will go on.
As usual, the extremists will be screaming for heads. The evil moderates snatched 'defeat from the jaws of victory' (you will see phrase over and over again in the next few days) and they have betrayed the center-right coalition, and must be punished.
…
What Hugh and others fail is that the Republicans won because they wrap themselves up in the moderation of the centrists, presenting themselves as all cozy and warm and as 'compassionate conservatives.'
In other words- Bush is President in large part because moderates voted for him. It was Arnold Schwarzanalphabet and Rufy Guiliani and John McCain who were the most effective campaigners for Bush in 2004. I didn't see Dobson speaking at the GOP Convention. Republicans control the Senate and House because of moderate support. Try to organize a Republican leadership without the moderates. It fails.
At any rate, I voted for the Republicans, and all they have done is shit all over me since election day. The bankruptcy bill, the censorship calls, the pandering to the religious right, the new mandatory minimus bill, the Patriot Act II, and so on and so forth. It is about time we gave in to some 'moderation.' What else am I getting out of this coalition that demands my pure loyalty but offers me nothing in return?
The hard-liners don't get it, though. They think because you support them some of the time, you must support them all of the time. They think in terms of permanent lock-step coalitions, not coalitions about ideas or issues. They are wrong.
At any rate, calls for conservative purity should fall on deaf ears. The Republicans are in control of the government in large part because of the moderates, not in spite of them. Go give money to these seven, they are going to get shit on by the extremists for the next few years. You should support them. (emphasis added)
Monday, May 23, 2005
Linkage News
More linkage. Added Pooh back, cause she started posting again. Wheeze decided she needed to rename her blog. Put in three more baseball (Cardinal, of course) links. Enjoy!
Ice Machine Update
I know you're all wondering what is up with the ice machine here at my work. Today, this sign was on it:
The Ice Machine is dispensing ice in large sheets. A part is on order.
Whew. I never would have know it was dispensing ice in large sheets without that. Thanks!
Morons.
The Ice Machine is dispensing ice in large sheets. A part is on order.
Whew. I never would have know it was dispensing ice in large sheets without that. Thanks!
Morons.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Scenes From The Mall
I ate lunch at Panera Bread today.
I don’t usually eat lunch at Panera Bread. For one thing, I don’t usually have the car to go to the mall to be able to eat lunch at Panera Bread. For another, I don’t really care for Panera Bread all that much.
But with Lesa out of town, I had the car. I also had to get some stuff at Target, and while I could have waited until tomorrow and taken the boys, then I would have had to spend a half hour in the toy aisle. So I went today.
Further, I had a gift card from Panera Bread that I got from Young Footliters for directing The Poet and the Rent. So, I thought to myself, why not use some of it.
So I did.
Now, I don’t know if there are Panera Breads where you live. And when I say you, I mean my non-Iowa readers. I think it’s primarily a Midwest chain, its origins in either Kansas City or St. Louis. I suppose that’s information I could glean from their Web site, but doing that search would indicate a level of caring about the answer that bears no relation to my actual level of caring about the answer. So I won’t.
But if you don’t have a Panera Bread, you do. It’s your standard upscale deli with fancy-schmancy sandwiches, salads, soups, pastries, and coffees. Panera Bread is the sort of place that has table tents that say things like:
All-natural chicken tastes better because it is raised to taste better. Chickens live stress-free with plenty of fresh air and clean water to help them grow at a more natural pace. With plenty of exercise, they don’t require antibiotics and they develop firm, tender meat.
Like I said, if you don’t have a Panera Bread, you have someplace that has something like that on its table tents. Everyone does. I’m betting even Buggy does, and she lives in Bumfuck, Texas.
(By the way, all that description is missing is something about the intellectual stimulation the chickens receive. And yes, I stole the table tent, thank you very much.)
So that’s why I generally avoid Panera Bread, and why I wouldn’t have gone if I didn’t have the gift card. (Also by the way, if the gift card had been from Best Buy, it wouldn’t have gone unused since the first weekend in March. But I digress.) Because here’s the thing.
Don’t try to sell me your sandwich. Don’t try to craft loving language to entice me. Don’t give me marketing twaddle. Just tell me what’s in it. If it sounds good, I’ll try it. If it tastes good, I’ll get it again. If it’s really good, I’ll say to my friends “Hey you know what’s good? The peppercorn steak sandwich at Panera.” And if it isn’t good, all the flowery language in the world won’t get me to order it again.
Cause that’s what’s important. A recent survey found that 90% of the people who took the survey felt a friend’s recommendation was the most important factor when determining to try a new restaurant. To be fair, the other 10% thought I was “making that up” and that “no actual such survey exists” and “Dweeze is pulling stuff out of his ass again.” But who cares what those losers think?
By the way, if you’re going to Panera? Skip the peppercorn steak sandwich and get something else.
I don’t usually eat lunch at Panera Bread. For one thing, I don’t usually have the car to go to the mall to be able to eat lunch at Panera Bread. For another, I don’t really care for Panera Bread all that much.
But with Lesa out of town, I had the car. I also had to get some stuff at Target, and while I could have waited until tomorrow and taken the boys, then I would have had to spend a half hour in the toy aisle. So I went today.
Further, I had a gift card from Panera Bread that I got from Young Footliters for directing The Poet and the Rent. So, I thought to myself, why not use some of it.
So I did.
Now, I don’t know if there are Panera Breads where you live. And when I say you, I mean my non-Iowa readers. I think it’s primarily a Midwest chain, its origins in either Kansas City or St. Louis. I suppose that’s information I could glean from their Web site, but doing that search would indicate a level of caring about the answer that bears no relation to my actual level of caring about the answer. So I won’t.
But if you don’t have a Panera Bread, you do. It’s your standard upscale deli with fancy-schmancy sandwiches, salads, soups, pastries, and coffees. Panera Bread is the sort of place that has table tents that say things like:
All-natural chicken tastes better because it is raised to taste better. Chickens live stress-free with plenty of fresh air and clean water to help them grow at a more natural pace. With plenty of exercise, they don’t require antibiotics and they develop firm, tender meat.
Like I said, if you don’t have a Panera Bread, you have someplace that has something like that on its table tents. Everyone does. I’m betting even Buggy does, and she lives in Bumfuck, Texas.
(By the way, all that description is missing is something about the intellectual stimulation the chickens receive. And yes, I stole the table tent, thank you very much.)
So that’s why I generally avoid Panera Bread, and why I wouldn’t have gone if I didn’t have the gift card. (Also by the way, if the gift card had been from Best Buy, it wouldn’t have gone unused since the first weekend in March. But I digress.) Because here’s the thing.
Don’t try to sell me your sandwich. Don’t try to craft loving language to entice me. Don’t give me marketing twaddle. Just tell me what’s in it. If it sounds good, I’ll try it. If it tastes good, I’ll get it again. If it’s really good, I’ll say to my friends “Hey you know what’s good? The peppercorn steak sandwich at Panera.” And if it isn’t good, all the flowery language in the world won’t get me to order it again.
Cause that’s what’s important. A recent survey found that 90% of the people who took the survey felt a friend’s recommendation was the most important factor when determining to try a new restaurant. To be fair, the other 10% thought I was “making that up” and that “no actual such survey exists” and “Dweeze is pulling stuff out of his ass again.” But who cares what those losers think?
By the way, if you’re going to Panera? Skip the peppercorn steak sandwich and get something else.
Still More Questions
From Talia at Collecting Shards.
1. Who is the best living playwright?
Tough one. For me, it’s either Mamet or Albee. Of the two, Albee wrote the best play (Virginia Wolff), but I think Mamet’s overall body of work is both more impressive and shows a wider range of ability. So I’ll go with Mamet.
2. You will lose one of your senses, but you may select the one you will do without. Which one is it and, of course, why that one?
Smell, by the process of elimination. Sight and sound are the two most important to me – I wouldn’t want to go the rest of my life without being able to see or hear my family. Taste is the second tier. I love food too much, the diversity that can be found within food, to lose it. Which leaves touch and smell, and of those, feeling the warmth of another person, or the fur of a dog, or the feel of grass beneath bare feet, trumps the value from smell.
3. Underwear has suddenly disappeared from the universe. How are you affected?
Less laundry. More chafing.
4. Why does the Iowa caucus matter? (For all you voyeurs, this is a conversation I wish I could spend 6 hours having with the weasel. Feel free to move along.)
This is also a conversation I could spend six hours writing about. If you don’t mind, I’m going to do a whole post on this one. Look for it early next week.
5. Outside of your family, who most influenced the parts of you that you like?
Perhaps the toughest of the questions for me. I don’t have that one teacher many people seem to have, that person who was inspirational, who showed me things within me that I didn’t know were there, who believed in me, etc. Those people were my family. Generally speaking, I got “Why don’t you work harder” speeches from teachers.
So to answer, I’ll think about the parts of me I like the most. And one of those is my writing. I’m pretty proud of my writing talent. I’d like to think that some of personal voice is present in everything I write. Even the work stuff, the dry stuff, I think you can see me in it. And for that I owe all credit to Hunter S. Thompson. HST showed that you can put yourself into what you write, no matter what you are writing. He showed that ultimately it was all personal, and that wasn’t a bad thing. He’s been the greatest influence on me as a writer, and I owe him tons for that.
1. Who is the best living playwright?
Tough one. For me, it’s either Mamet or Albee. Of the two, Albee wrote the best play (Virginia Wolff), but I think Mamet’s overall body of work is both more impressive and shows a wider range of ability. So I’ll go with Mamet.
2. You will lose one of your senses, but you may select the one you will do without. Which one is it and, of course, why that one?
Smell, by the process of elimination. Sight and sound are the two most important to me – I wouldn’t want to go the rest of my life without being able to see or hear my family. Taste is the second tier. I love food too much, the diversity that can be found within food, to lose it. Which leaves touch and smell, and of those, feeling the warmth of another person, or the fur of a dog, or the feel of grass beneath bare feet, trumps the value from smell.
3. Underwear has suddenly disappeared from the universe. How are you affected?
Less laundry. More chafing.
4. Why does the Iowa caucus matter? (For all you voyeurs, this is a conversation I wish I could spend 6 hours having with the weasel. Feel free to move along.)
This is also a conversation I could spend six hours writing about. If you don’t mind, I’m going to do a whole post on this one. Look for it early next week.
5. Outside of your family, who most influenced the parts of you that you like?
Perhaps the toughest of the questions for me. I don’t have that one teacher many people seem to have, that person who was inspirational, who showed me things within me that I didn’t know were there, who believed in me, etc. Those people were my family. Generally speaking, I got “Why don’t you work harder” speeches from teachers.
So to answer, I’ll think about the parts of me I like the most. And one of those is my writing. I’m pretty proud of my writing talent. I’d like to think that some of personal voice is present in everything I write. Even the work stuff, the dry stuff, I think you can see me in it. And for that I owe all credit to Hunter S. Thompson. HST showed that you can put yourself into what you write, no matter what you are writing. He showed that ultimately it was all personal, and that wasn’t a bad thing. He’s been the greatest influence on me as a writer, and I owe him tons for that.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Remember When?
Remember when the ice in the ice machine here at work came out in cubes instead of book-sized sheets? Good times. Gooood times.
So what ultimately-totally-irrelevant thing is annoying you in your world today?
So what ultimately-totally-irrelevant thing is annoying you in your world today?
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
Curse You, Activist Massachusetts Judges!
Kris has this post about a love affair gone bad that ended up in the courts.
Well, technically, there isn’t anything there indicating that love was involved. Here’s the, uhm, money graffs:
The plaintiff and the defendant were in a long-term committed relationship. Early in the morning of September 24, 1994, they were engaged in consensual sexual intercourse. The plaintiff was lying on his back while the defendant was on top of him. The defendant's body was secured in this position by the interlocking of her legs and the plaintiff's legs. At some point, the defendant unilaterally decided to unlock her legs and place her feet on either side of the plaintiff's abdomen for the purpose of increasing her stimulation. When the defendant changed her position, she did not think about the possibility of injury to the plaintiff. Shortly after taking this new position, the defendant landed awkwardly on the plaintiff, thereby causing him to suffer a penile fracture.
Penile fracture, though sounding extremely unpleasant, is fun to say. Penile fracture! Penile fracture!
Although this was generally a position the couple had used before without incident, the defendant did vary slightly the position previously used, without prior specific discussion and without the explicit prior consent of the plaintiff. It is this variation that the plaintiff claims caused his injury. While the couple had practiced what the defendant described as "light bondage" during their intimate relations, there was no evidence of "light bondage" on this occasion. The plaintiff's injuries were serious and required emergency surgery. He has endured a painful and lengthy recovery. He has suffered from sexual dysfunction that neither medication nor counseling have been able to treat effectively.
You know, maybe if he wouldn’t sue a woman (apparently an extremely limber woman), who inadvertently injured him during sex (and, presumably, he could have said “Take it easy Olga Korbut – that hurts”) thus rendering him an unfit sexual partner for both paid and unpaid prospective partners ("No way, penile fracture boy"), he wouldn’t be suffering from what I am assuming is severe depression over the extreme unlikelihood that he will ever enjoy sexual congress (as opposed to sexual Congress, which none of us want to consider) again.
Well, technically, there isn’t anything there indicating that love was involved. Here’s the, uhm, money graffs:
The plaintiff and the defendant were in a long-term committed relationship. Early in the morning of September 24, 1994, they were engaged in consensual sexual intercourse. The plaintiff was lying on his back while the defendant was on top of him. The defendant's body was secured in this position by the interlocking of her legs and the plaintiff's legs. At some point, the defendant unilaterally decided to unlock her legs and place her feet on either side of the plaintiff's abdomen for the purpose of increasing her stimulation. When the defendant changed her position, she did not think about the possibility of injury to the plaintiff. Shortly after taking this new position, the defendant landed awkwardly on the plaintiff, thereby causing him to suffer a penile fracture.
Penile fracture, though sounding extremely unpleasant, is fun to say. Penile fracture! Penile fracture!
Although this was generally a position the couple had used before without incident, the defendant did vary slightly the position previously used, without prior specific discussion and without the explicit prior consent of the plaintiff. It is this variation that the plaintiff claims caused his injury. While the couple had practiced what the defendant described as "light bondage" during their intimate relations, there was no evidence of "light bondage" on this occasion. The plaintiff's injuries were serious and required emergency surgery. He has endured a painful and lengthy recovery. He has suffered from sexual dysfunction that neither medication nor counseling have been able to treat effectively.
You know, maybe if he wouldn’t sue a woman (apparently an extremely limber woman), who inadvertently injured him during sex (and, presumably, he could have said “Take it easy Olga Korbut – that hurts”) thus rendering him an unfit sexual partner for both paid and unpaid prospective partners ("No way, penile fracture boy"), he wouldn’t be suffering from what I am assuming is severe depression over the extreme unlikelihood that he will ever enjoy sexual congress (as opposed to sexual Congress, which none of us want to consider) again.
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Not That You Care, But
Having 24 on Monday night really throws me off because after three years of it being a Tuesday evening staple, I'm conditioned to think it's Tuesday when I watch it and, hence that the next day, in this case, today, is Wednesday, which means the work week is half over, but it's not, it's only about 40% over.
Which bites.
And they better damn well not kill Tony. I know we've got a major recurring male character set to die yet this season, but it better not be Tony. Kill David Palmer. As long as he's alive, people will want to keep having him come back in future seasons, and as this season shows, it's tough as hell to work him in. Tony, on the other hand, is easy to work in. I'd even settle for Michelle being offed if it kept Tony alive.
Remember, you read it hear first. Tony Almeida, Private Eye. It'd be a great show, and it's not like Fox couldn't use another great show or two.
Which bites.
And they better damn well not kill Tony. I know we've got a major recurring male character set to die yet this season, but it better not be Tony. Kill David Palmer. As long as he's alive, people will want to keep having him come back in future seasons, and as this season shows, it's tough as hell to work him in. Tony, on the other hand, is easy to work in. I'd even settle for Michelle being offed if it kept Tony alive.
Remember, you read it hear first. Tony Almeida, Private Eye. It'd be a great show, and it's not like Fox couldn't use another great show or two.
More Questions
This time from Wheezy. See rules in prior posts.
1. What is one major news story or world event that you recall clearly from your childhood, and how did it affect you?
I remember the Kennedy assassination, because coverage of it pre-empted the Saturday morning Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Hey. I was four.
2. Deep down, are you more like Tom or Ian?
I was going to say Tom because I’m 40, not early 20s, but even at Ian’s age I wouldn’t have let Tom and Kate send me on the guilt trip that Ian let them send him on. So Tom it is.
3. What is your opinion on body piercing?
Mine? No way. Lesa? Ears are okay, but it’s her choice. My kids? When they’re older, if that’s what they want, okay. Anyone else? It’s okay if that’s what you want.
4. I overheard a conversation recently. Two people, both of whom were disgusted with Republicans and Democrats, suggested that maybe it was time for a third political party in America. How would you respond to this suggestion?
Did you vote? Do you take part in the political process otherwise, by contacting party leaders or taking part in party meetings? Cause perhaps it would be better to attempt to influence the existing parties instead of creating something new. Oh, and finally, how can you really compare what the Republican party is doing with the Democratic party? The leadership of the Republican party (not Republicans themselves, mind you, but the leadership) is attempting to subrogate all the rights and responsibilities we have had since the founding of the country. The Democratic party is one of the few things standing in their way preventing the establishment of a theocracy.
5. What would you consider to be the most dreadful occupation in the world, and why?
Dog costume photographer.
1. What is one major news story or world event that you recall clearly from your childhood, and how did it affect you?
I remember the Kennedy assassination, because coverage of it pre-empted the Saturday morning Bugs Bunny cartoons.
Hey. I was four.
2. Deep down, are you more like Tom or Ian?
I was going to say Tom because I’m 40, not early 20s, but even at Ian’s age I wouldn’t have let Tom and Kate send me on the guilt trip that Ian let them send him on. So Tom it is.
3. What is your opinion on body piercing?
Mine? No way. Lesa? Ears are okay, but it’s her choice. My kids? When they’re older, if that’s what they want, okay. Anyone else? It’s okay if that’s what you want.
4. I overheard a conversation recently. Two people, both of whom were disgusted with Republicans and Democrats, suggested that maybe it was time for a third political party in America. How would you respond to this suggestion?
Did you vote? Do you take part in the political process otherwise, by contacting party leaders or taking part in party meetings? Cause perhaps it would be better to attempt to influence the existing parties instead of creating something new. Oh, and finally, how can you really compare what the Republican party is doing with the Democratic party? The leadership of the Republican party (not Republicans themselves, mind you, but the leadership) is attempting to subrogate all the rights and responsibilities we have had since the founding of the country. The Democratic party is one of the few things standing in their way preventing the establishment of a theocracy.
5. What would you consider to be the most dreadful occupation in the world, and why?
Dog costume photographer.
Costumed Dogs: The Sequel
I realize I should also have linked to this. Remember – friends don’t let friends get their dogs stoned…
Monday, May 16, 2005
Some Like It Ruff
Comics Funnies. Or Is That Funnies Funnies?
Some days you've just got nothing, so here is some funny from other folks: Superman Is A Dick (courtesy of Glorious Nonsense), and Seanbaby's page of Hostess Cupcake Comic Ads. If you read comics in the 70s and 80s you know what I'm talking about. Otherwise, you don't. Sorry.
Friday, May 13, 2005
Waiter, There's A Finger In My Chili
Authorities have finally identified the source of the finger that the woman in California put in the Wendy’s chili. Film at eleven, story at Yahoo.
The finger that a woman said she found in a bowl of Wendy's chili came from an associate of her husband who lost the digit in an industrial accident, police said Friday.
"The jig is up. The puzzle pieces are beginning to fall into place, and the truth is being exposed," Police Chief Rob Davis said.
The man is from Nevada and lost a part of his finger in an accident last December, Davis said. His identity was traced through a tip made to Wendy's hot line, he said.
He said authorities "positively confirmed that this subject was in fact the source of the fingertip."
…
The man who lost the finger, whose name was not released, had given the finger fragment to Plascencia, Davis said. Davis would not disclose details of the investigation but said the man was cooperating.
Well, that was certainly nice of him to lend a hand…
The finger that a woman said she found in a bowl of Wendy's chili came from an associate of her husband who lost the digit in an industrial accident, police said Friday.
"The jig is up. The puzzle pieces are beginning to fall into place, and the truth is being exposed," Police Chief Rob Davis said.
The man is from Nevada and lost a part of his finger in an accident last December, Davis said. His identity was traced through a tip made to Wendy's hot line, he said.
He said authorities "positively confirmed that this subject was in fact the source of the fingertip."
…
The man who lost the finger, whose name was not released, had given the finger fragment to Plascencia, Davis said. Davis would not disclose details of the investigation but said the man was cooperating.
Well, that was certainly nice of him to lend a hand…
Satan Gets A Blog
Added a link for the Devil’s own.
Okay, it’s just a cartoon. He’s not really Satan. And if my real life friends don't know who I'm talking about, just know that it's another one of my online friends.
Okay, it’s just a cartoon. He’s not really Satan. And if my real life friends don't know who I'm talking about, just know that it's another one of my online friends.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
Rebuild Them!
Keith Olbermann doesn’t blog often, but when he hits it, he hits it. See this post on what should go up on the site of the World Trade Center.
Republican Sex Junkies
The Rude Pundit (caution: rudeness ahead) has a wonderful round-up of Republican kink, from bestiality (anti-abortion extremist Neal Horsley), homosexuality (former Spokane Mayor Jim West), buggery/anal rape (W. David Hager, a Bush appointee to the FDA advisor committee on reproductive health drugs) to forced wife swapping and group sex (John Bolton).
This exchange between Horsley and Alan Colmes from Colmes’ radio show is priceless:
In the course of the interview, however, Colmes asked Horsley about his background, including a statement that he had admitted to engaging in homosexual and bestiality sex.
At first, Horsley laughed and said, "Just because it's printed in the media, people jump to believe it."
"Is it true?" Colmes asked.
"Hey, Alan, if you want to accuse me of having sex when I was a fool, I did everything that crossed my mind that looked like I..."
Alan Colmes: "You had sex with animals?"
Neal Horsley: "Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."
AC: "I'm not so sure that that is so."
NH: "You didn't grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?"
AC: "Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?"
NH: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality... Welcome to domestic life on the farm..."
Colmes said he thought there were a lot of people in the audience who grew up on farms, are living on farms now, raising kids on farms and "and I don't think they are dating Elsie right now. You know what I'm saying?"
Horsley said, "You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually. You're naive. You know better than that... If it's warm and it's damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it."
Wow. I guess the Republicans do have a big tent.
They need it for all the animals…
This exchange between Horsley and Alan Colmes from Colmes’ radio show is priceless:
In the course of the interview, however, Colmes asked Horsley about his background, including a statement that he had admitted to engaging in homosexual and bestiality sex.
At first, Horsley laughed and said, "Just because it's printed in the media, people jump to believe it."
"Is it true?" Colmes asked.
"Hey, Alan, if you want to accuse me of having sex when I was a fool, I did everything that crossed my mind that looked like I..."
Alan Colmes: "You had sex with animals?"
Neal Horsley: "Absolutely. I was a fool. When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule."
AC: "I'm not so sure that that is so."
NH: "You didn't grow up on a farm in Georgia, did you?"
AC: "Are you suggesting that everybody who grows up on a farm in Georgia has a mule as a girlfriend?"
NH: It has historically been the case. You people are so far removed from the reality... Welcome to domestic life on the farm..."
Colmes said he thought there were a lot of people in the audience who grew up on farms, are living on farms now, raising kids on farms and "and I don't think they are dating Elsie right now. You know what I'm saying?"
Horsley said, "You experiment with anything that moves when you are growing up sexually. You're naive. You know better than that... If it's warm and it's damp and it vibrates you might in fact have sex with it."
Wow. I guess the Republicans do have a big tent.
They need it for all the animals…
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
Curse You Englert Theatre!
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
More Questions And Answers
Remember how I did the interview thing before? Here are more questions I’ve gotten. These are from Superman.
1. If you had to eliminate either the entire police force in the United States or the entire U.S. Military, which would it be and why?
The police force, because you could use the military as the police, but you couldn’t really use the police as the military. Plus, the firemen would thank you for it.
2. Design a new form of currency. What's the style, amount, and who's on it?
I’d create Government-issued and backed debit cards that you could fill up for free from your bank account. The amount is whatever you want to add to the card from your account. I’d require that banks assess no fees for loading the cards. I’d put a picture of the founding fathers on it. And a founding mother, too.
3. You've just come up with a product idea that is guaranteed to make you a billionaire within a matter of months. The problem is that test markets show that your product is extremely offensive to about 25% of the general population, the other 75% say it's something that can't live without. It will cost you absolutely no money to produce and projections show that you could employ up to 10,000 people at the end of year one, paying each of them enough to be considered middle class. The 25% have already said that they would protest, but legally, you know they have no chance of successfully taking this product off the market. Do you produce it or not?
It would depend on who was protesting. If I alienated the Christian right with the product, I wouldn’t care a bit going ahead. If I alienated a group I cared about, or was a member of, I wouldn’t be so cavalier about going ahead, although I still might. If what I was making would offend me personally, I wouldn’t do it.
4. Same scenario, except this time you're unemployed (and have been for 6 months with no other income)and you can run the new company anonymously. Do you do it?
I’d like to think the answer is exactly the same, but I don’t know. If I went ahead with it even though it offended me, you can bet I’d be doing big time donations to charity.
I wonder if that’s why Gates gives so much?
5. Which do you love more, pistachios or cashews? Mmmm...
Neither? If forced, I would choose cashews.
These are from Matt:
1) What three changes in ICCT would you immediately implement if you had ultimate authority and knew no one would oppose your changes?
A. Go to a four-show season. Saves time, saves money, saves volunteer effort.
B. Change the process by which plays and directors are chosen. Rather than relying on directors to submit shows and then having the Play and Director Selection committee select the show and director as a package, have the committee first select a slate of 5-7 shows, then ask people to submit for those shows and only those shows. Then conduct the interview process to narrow the selection down to four shows and directors (and two alternate shows and directors) to present to the Board for approval. Play selection is one of the most important decisions the theatre makes – the Board needs more input into the process.
C. Create three positions - managing director, artistic director, and technical director - with ultimate responsibility for the day to day management of the theatre. Give these people authority to make decisions for the theatre, reporting to the Board and the membership. Remove direct election of officers from the membership. Add a couple of additional board positions, then elect officers from the members of the Board. Give the directors two-year contracts (even if not paid positions) and give the Board approval over only a few of their decisions.
2) Would you rather have a heart wrenching dramatic role or a fun loving singing role? Why?
There are three parts I would be willing to kill someone to play.. (Well maybe not kill, but at least beat someone up to play.) Cyrano in, well, Cyrano, Harold Hill in Music Man, and Billy Flynn in Chicago. That’s one heart wrenching dramatic role, two fun loving singing roles, which would tend to indicate I’d rather do fun loving singing roles. On the other hand, musicals, especially big musicals, are a pain in the ass time-wasting venture. Great dramatic roles can often be found in small to medium-sized plays. I’ve decided I’m going to be picky and only be in musicals if it is a part I really, really, want. The same restriction does not apply to dramas, which would tend to indicate I’d rather do heart wrenching dramatic roles. On the third hand, I love singing on stage, getting that chance to show off. So let’s go with musicals before I change my mind again.
3) (giving you back one of the questions you gave me) What would you like your sons to know about you? (Not necessarily right now, but when they are older.)
That I considered my life a success even though we may not have had fame or fortune, even though we may have had struggles, and that they can do the same as long as they are willing to define success in terms that have meaning to them and not in terms that are imposed by others. That I am a personal of spiritual faith, if not of religious orthodoxy, and that while that is a more difficult path to tread, it is ultimately more rewarding. That two poems by Robert Frost, Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening and The Road Not Taken, are essential to understanding who I am.
4) You mentioned wishing you had studied film at NYU. What films have had a huge impact on your life?
Mostly older films, films like Casablanca, A Night at the Opera, and Singing in the Rain. Films with heart, that touch you in some way, that don’t speak down to the audience. I don’t really go to movies to be enlightened – that’s why I read mostly nonfiction. I go to be entertained. If there is a message, and it’s presented in an entertaining manner, cool. But I don’t appreciate didactic films. So, the lesson I’ve derived from films is that it’s better to entertain first, educate second. Cause if you go the other way, you’ll lose too many people.
5) What one question do you want me to ask and what is the answer?
Q: Do you want me to tell you when I’m bluffing at poker? A: Yes.
1. If you had to eliminate either the entire police force in the United States or the entire U.S. Military, which would it be and why?
The police force, because you could use the military as the police, but you couldn’t really use the police as the military. Plus, the firemen would thank you for it.
2. Design a new form of currency. What's the style, amount, and who's on it?
I’d create Government-issued and backed debit cards that you could fill up for free from your bank account. The amount is whatever you want to add to the card from your account. I’d require that banks assess no fees for loading the cards. I’d put a picture of the founding fathers on it. And a founding mother, too.
3. You've just come up with a product idea that is guaranteed to make you a billionaire within a matter of months. The problem is that test markets show that your product is extremely offensive to about 25% of the general population, the other 75% say it's something that can't live without. It will cost you absolutely no money to produce and projections show that you could employ up to 10,000 people at the end of year one, paying each of them enough to be considered middle class. The 25% have already said that they would protest, but legally, you know they have no chance of successfully taking this product off the market. Do you produce it or not?
It would depend on who was protesting. If I alienated the Christian right with the product, I wouldn’t care a bit going ahead. If I alienated a group I cared about, or was a member of, I wouldn’t be so cavalier about going ahead, although I still might. If what I was making would offend me personally, I wouldn’t do it.
4. Same scenario, except this time you're unemployed (and have been for 6 months with no other income)and you can run the new company anonymously. Do you do it?
I’d like to think the answer is exactly the same, but I don’t know. If I went ahead with it even though it offended me, you can bet I’d be doing big time donations to charity.
I wonder if that’s why Gates gives so much?
5. Which do you love more, pistachios or cashews? Mmmm...
Neither? If forced, I would choose cashews.
These are from Matt:
1) What three changes in ICCT would you immediately implement if you had ultimate authority and knew no one would oppose your changes?
A. Go to a four-show season. Saves time, saves money, saves volunteer effort.
B. Change the process by which plays and directors are chosen. Rather than relying on directors to submit shows and then having the Play and Director Selection committee select the show and director as a package, have the committee first select a slate of 5-7 shows, then ask people to submit for those shows and only those shows. Then conduct the interview process to narrow the selection down to four shows and directors (and two alternate shows and directors) to present to the Board for approval. Play selection is one of the most important decisions the theatre makes – the Board needs more input into the process.
C. Create three positions - managing director, artistic director, and technical director - with ultimate responsibility for the day to day management of the theatre. Give these people authority to make decisions for the theatre, reporting to the Board and the membership. Remove direct election of officers from the membership. Add a couple of additional board positions, then elect officers from the members of the Board. Give the directors two-year contracts (even if not paid positions) and give the Board approval over only a few of their decisions.
2) Would you rather have a heart wrenching dramatic role or a fun loving singing role? Why?
There are three parts I would be willing to kill someone to play.. (Well maybe not kill, but at least beat someone up to play.) Cyrano in, well, Cyrano, Harold Hill in Music Man, and Billy Flynn in Chicago. That’s one heart wrenching dramatic role, two fun loving singing roles, which would tend to indicate I’d rather do fun loving singing roles. On the other hand, musicals, especially big musicals, are a pain in the ass time-wasting venture. Great dramatic roles can often be found in small to medium-sized plays. I’ve decided I’m going to be picky and only be in musicals if it is a part I really, really, want. The same restriction does not apply to dramas, which would tend to indicate I’d rather do heart wrenching dramatic roles. On the third hand, I love singing on stage, getting that chance to show off. So let’s go with musicals before I change my mind again.
3) (giving you back one of the questions you gave me) What would you like your sons to know about you? (Not necessarily right now, but when they are older.)
That I considered my life a success even though we may not have had fame or fortune, even though we may have had struggles, and that they can do the same as long as they are willing to define success in terms that have meaning to them and not in terms that are imposed by others. That I am a personal of spiritual faith, if not of religious orthodoxy, and that while that is a more difficult path to tread, it is ultimately more rewarding. That two poems by Robert Frost, Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening and The Road Not Taken, are essential to understanding who I am.
4) You mentioned wishing you had studied film at NYU. What films have had a huge impact on your life?
Mostly older films, films like Casablanca, A Night at the Opera, and Singing in the Rain. Films with heart, that touch you in some way, that don’t speak down to the audience. I don’t really go to movies to be enlightened – that’s why I read mostly nonfiction. I go to be entertained. If there is a message, and it’s presented in an entertaining manner, cool. But I don’t appreciate didactic films. So, the lesson I’ve derived from films is that it’s better to entertain first, educate second. Cause if you go the other way, you’ll lose too many people.
5) What one question do you want me to ask and what is the answer?
Q: Do you want me to tell you when I’m bluffing at poker? A: Yes.
Jesus News
Here’s a great paragraph from today’s Bull Moose post about the prospects of a Hilary Clinton campaign in 2008. He has this to say about the argument that Hilary would be subject to an intense amount of personal attacks if she ran:
The ugly truth is that if Jesus of Nazareth himself returned and dared to run on the Democratic line the righteous right would tar him as a bleeding heart vagabond who couldn't hold a job and that he needed a shave. No doubt a Galilee Fishingboat Veterans for Truth outfit would call into question Jesus' miracle claims - financed with lavish funding from Rove's buddies in Texas and maximum exposure on Fox News. Just imagine the book - "Unfit to Save".
And don’t forget this story on CNN about how Jesus is trying to get a driver’s license in West Virginia. My favorite line:
”Christ is not speaking to the press at this time," Pishevar said.
The ugly truth is that if Jesus of Nazareth himself returned and dared to run on the Democratic line the righteous right would tar him as a bleeding heart vagabond who couldn't hold a job and that he needed a shave. No doubt a Galilee Fishingboat Veterans for Truth outfit would call into question Jesus' miracle claims - financed with lavish funding from Rove's buddies in Texas and maximum exposure on Fox News. Just imagine the book - "Unfit to Save".
And don’t forget this story on CNN about how Jesus is trying to get a driver’s license in West Virginia. My favorite line:
”Christ is not speaking to the press at this time," Pishevar said.
When The Bradman Testifies
As Kris at Random Mentality silently points out, Bradman has announced his candidacy for one of the at-large seats on the Iowa City City Council. Kris and I both met Bradman when we acted with him in ICCT’s production of Harvey a few years back. Bradman was the orderly, whose name escapes me at the present. Brad has a weekly television show on Thursday nights on Public Access TV and is the middle of the day DJ at KCJJ. It’s weird. Brad is basically an intelligent, funny, somewhat sensitive guy, but he has created this whole buffoonish Howard Stern-lite sleazoid personality for his radio and TV gigs. I think he might actually be good on the council, but I also wonder if it isn’t all a joke. It’s an elaborate one if it is, as he has an official Web site and a campaign blog where he discusses issues. On the other hand, check out the totally cheesy picture on this page.
Monday, May 09, 2005
2015 SATs
The Poor Man lists questions from the 2015 SATs. Here’s a question from each portion of the test:
PART A: Science
2. Global temperatures have risen 1 degree F since 2004. This is due to:
A. the greenhouse effect
B. unsound science
C. the Clinton administration
D. gays
PART B: Mathematics
2. If dinosaurs first appeared 250 million years ago, and became extinct 185 million years later, how long ago did they become extinct?
A. 65 million years ago
B. There is no paleontological consensus that dinosaurs ever existed
C. 3500 years ago, during the Flood
D. However long ago it was that they turned gay and lost their moral values
PART C: History
1. The US lost the Vietnam War because:
A. we miscalculated the determination of the enemy.
B. liberals and the media wouldn’t let Rambo do his job.
C. IT WAS A TIE!
D. Clinton made everyone in the Army get gay married.
PART D: Literature
1. What is the greatest book ever written by an American?
A. The Great Gatsby
B. A Charge to Keep
C. Left Behind 2: Tribulation Force
D. The Bible
PART A: Science
2. Global temperatures have risen 1 degree F since 2004. This is due to:
A. the greenhouse effect
B. unsound science
C. the Clinton administration
D. gays
PART B: Mathematics
2. If dinosaurs first appeared 250 million years ago, and became extinct 185 million years later, how long ago did they become extinct?
A. 65 million years ago
B. There is no paleontological consensus that dinosaurs ever existed
C. 3500 years ago, during the Flood
D. However long ago it was that they turned gay and lost their moral values
PART C: History
1. The US lost the Vietnam War because:
A. we miscalculated the determination of the enemy.
B. liberals and the media wouldn’t let Rambo do his job.
C. IT WAS A TIE!
D. Clinton made everyone in the Army get gay married.
PART D: Literature
1. What is the greatest book ever written by an American?
A. The Great Gatsby
B. A Charge to Keep
C. Left Behind 2: Tribulation Force
D. The Bible
Friday, May 06, 2005
Songs For A Crappy Friday
Good Year For The Roses
Elvis Costello
I can hardly bear the sight of lipstick on the cigarettes there in the ashtray
Lyin’ cold the way you left ’em, but at least your lips caressed them while you packed
Or the lip-print on a half-filled cup of coffee that you poured and didn’t drink
But at least you thought you wanted it, that’s so much more than I can say for me
What a good year for the roses
Many blooms still linger there
The lawn could stand another mowin’
Funny I don’t even care
As you turn to walk away
As the door behind you closes
The only thing I have to say
It’s been a good year for the roses
After three full years of marriage, it’s the first time that you haven’t made the bed
I guess the reason we’re not talkin’, there’s so little left to say we haven’t said
While a million thoughts go racin’ through my mind, I find I haven’t said a word
From the bedroom the familiar sound of a baby’s cryin’ goes unheard
What a good year for the roses
Many blooms still linger there
The lawn could stand another mowin’
Funny I don’t even care
As you turn to walk away
As the door behind you closes
The only thing I have to say
It’s been a good year for the roses
Walk Away Renee
Left Bank
And when I see the sign that points one way
The lot we used to pass by every day
Just walk away Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
The empty sidewalks on my block are not the same
You're not to blame
From deep inside the tears I'm forced to cry
From deep inside the pain I chose to hide
Just walk away Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
Now as the rain beats down upon my weary eyes
For me it cries
Your name and mine inside a heart upon a wall
Still find a way to haunt me though they're so small
Just walk away Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
Now as the rain beats down upon my weary eyes
For me it cries
Just walk away Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
The empty sidewalks on my block are not the same
You're not to blame
Elvis Costello
I can hardly bear the sight of lipstick on the cigarettes there in the ashtray
Lyin’ cold the way you left ’em, but at least your lips caressed them while you packed
Or the lip-print on a half-filled cup of coffee that you poured and didn’t drink
But at least you thought you wanted it, that’s so much more than I can say for me
What a good year for the roses
Many blooms still linger there
The lawn could stand another mowin’
Funny I don’t even care
As you turn to walk away
As the door behind you closes
The only thing I have to say
It’s been a good year for the roses
After three full years of marriage, it’s the first time that you haven’t made the bed
I guess the reason we’re not talkin’, there’s so little left to say we haven’t said
While a million thoughts go racin’ through my mind, I find I haven’t said a word
From the bedroom the familiar sound of a baby’s cryin’ goes unheard
What a good year for the roses
Many blooms still linger there
The lawn could stand another mowin’
Funny I don’t even care
As you turn to walk away
As the door behind you closes
The only thing I have to say
It’s been a good year for the roses
Walk Away Renee
Left Bank
And when I see the sign that points one way
The lot we used to pass by every day
Just walk away Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
The empty sidewalks on my block are not the same
You're not to blame
From deep inside the tears I'm forced to cry
From deep inside the pain I chose to hide
Just walk away Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
Now as the rain beats down upon my weary eyes
For me it cries
Your name and mine inside a heart upon a wall
Still find a way to haunt me though they're so small
Just walk away Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
Now as the rain beats down upon my weary eyes
For me it cries
Just walk away Renee
You won't see me follow you back home
The empty sidewalks on my block are not the same
You're not to blame
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
Interviews
There’s this whole interview meme going around the blogs I visit. The blogger gets questions from someone else, posts the answers on their blog, and then opens it up to others to ask for questions. (The rules are posted at the bottom of the post.) I asked for questions from both Gothmog and Immunegirl. The first set are from Goth:
1. What theater production (that you were directly involved in) was the most enjoyable experience for you, and why?
I’d say it was playing Mr. Peachum in a production of Brecht’s The Threepenny Opera. Not because of the production as a whole. Oh no. On that production I first learned of Greenman’s “They Won’t Hate Me Theory”. Read the link for the whole thing, but in short the theory says that when the production is going poorly, you can either not care or try your hardest so that even if the audience hates everyone else, they won’t hate you. Perhaps you’ve never considered it before, perhaps you have and just didn’t do so consciously. But you can’t imagine how much audiences like having someone or something to like in a production that otherwise bites.
(This same production had one of the best review lines I’ve ever seen. The man who played the street singer was gay, flamboyantly gay. A reviewer said he was “Full of warm spunk.” Our reaction? “Well of course he is.”)
So no, not because of the greatest of the production. Because of the greatness of the part. Peachum is a truly villainous character who justifies his villainy as being the same thing the wealthy are doing. It’s a big, juicy part, full of great lines. He has four great songs – two solos, a duet, and a trio, as well as a key part in another ensemble. It was a great chance to show a lot of range, range people who didn’t see the production forget I have. I loved it, and would love to do it again.
And yes, they didn’t hate me.
2. You're ahead of your time in your belief that...
The gay rights battles in this country will eventually be looked at as much briefer, and much less bloody, than similar battles over racial and sexual equal rights. Indeed, I think by the time we hit 2020 the vast majority will have no objection to gay marriage, and that most people will look back and think “What? Were we high?”
3. What's your biggest regret from your youth?
That I chose the University of Iowa over New York University. Usually, it’s the small choices in life that have the biggest effect. You make a small decision here, a small decision there, and another and another and eventually you find yourself on a vastly different path. But that there was a huge decision. I can’t imagine what I would be if I had gone to NYU to study film instead of Iowa to study journalism.
4. Who had the most influence in the development of your sense of humor?
My father. As much as I might sometimes think it comes from other places, he had this semi-twisted totally off-kilter sense of humor that is the basis of mine. You can see the same sense of humor in my older and younger sisters.
5. Someone saw you on the street this morning and said "That was you?" What did you do to earn this response?
I would assume the Royal Flush Plumbing commercial where I play the father desperate to get into the bathroom his teenage daughter is using started airing again.
These are from Immunegirl:
1. What is the one thing you know the most about?
Me. I’ve been studying me for almost 45 years now. I’m probably the world’s expert.
2. Which is the one TV character that you would most like to be?
Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law.
3. If you had a million dollars to donate to charity(ies), where would it go?
Easy. $600,000 to the Iowa City Community Theatre, $300,000 to Dreamwell Theatre, and $100,000 to the scholarship fund in my father’s name at my high school.
4. What is the best advice you've ever received?
I keep coming back to my father, but there you have it. Just before I started college he took me aside and said to me:
“There’s a lot of temptations out there. The trick is to know which ones to give into and which ones to avoid. I think we’ve done a good enough job of raising you that you will do well at that.”
Note that it wasn’t “avoid this” or “avoid that”. It was “make wise choices” and then putting his faith in me that I could.
5. If you had an unlimited budget and could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Well, I’ve never been to me.
Wait, that contradicts what I said above. So instead, I’d learn how to sail, buy a good, sturdy boat, and set sail around the world. No particular destinations, no particular agenda. Just sailing towards whatever I find. As an alternative, London.
And now the rules for those of you interested in being interviewed:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions of my choosing.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. If you don't have a blog, you can post your responses in my comments section.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post, following the same rules.
1. What theater production (that you were directly involved in) was the most enjoyable experience for you, and why?
I’d say it was playing Mr. Peachum in a production of Brecht’s The Threepenny Opera. Not because of the production as a whole. Oh no. On that production I first learned of Greenman’s “They Won’t Hate Me Theory”. Read the link for the whole thing, but in short the theory says that when the production is going poorly, you can either not care or try your hardest so that even if the audience hates everyone else, they won’t hate you. Perhaps you’ve never considered it before, perhaps you have and just didn’t do so consciously. But you can’t imagine how much audiences like having someone or something to like in a production that otherwise bites.
(This same production had one of the best review lines I’ve ever seen. The man who played the street singer was gay, flamboyantly gay. A reviewer said he was “Full of warm spunk.” Our reaction? “Well of course he is.”)
So no, not because of the greatest of the production. Because of the greatness of the part. Peachum is a truly villainous character who justifies his villainy as being the same thing the wealthy are doing. It’s a big, juicy part, full of great lines. He has four great songs – two solos, a duet, and a trio, as well as a key part in another ensemble. It was a great chance to show a lot of range, range people who didn’t see the production forget I have. I loved it, and would love to do it again.
And yes, they didn’t hate me.
2. You're ahead of your time in your belief that...
The gay rights battles in this country will eventually be looked at as much briefer, and much less bloody, than similar battles over racial and sexual equal rights. Indeed, I think by the time we hit 2020 the vast majority will have no objection to gay marriage, and that most people will look back and think “What? Were we high?”
3. What's your biggest regret from your youth?
That I chose the University of Iowa over New York University. Usually, it’s the small choices in life that have the biggest effect. You make a small decision here, a small decision there, and another and another and eventually you find yourself on a vastly different path. But that there was a huge decision. I can’t imagine what I would be if I had gone to NYU to study film instead of Iowa to study journalism.
4. Who had the most influence in the development of your sense of humor?
My father. As much as I might sometimes think it comes from other places, he had this semi-twisted totally off-kilter sense of humor that is the basis of mine. You can see the same sense of humor in my older and younger sisters.
5. Someone saw you on the street this morning and said "That was you?" What did you do to earn this response?
I would assume the Royal Flush Plumbing commercial where I play the father desperate to get into the bathroom his teenage daughter is using started airing again.
These are from Immunegirl:
1. What is the one thing you know the most about?
Me. I’ve been studying me for almost 45 years now. I’m probably the world’s expert.
2. Which is the one TV character that you would most like to be?
Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law.
3. If you had a million dollars to donate to charity(ies), where would it go?
Easy. $600,000 to the Iowa City Community Theatre, $300,000 to Dreamwell Theatre, and $100,000 to the scholarship fund in my father’s name at my high school.
4. What is the best advice you've ever received?
I keep coming back to my father, but there you have it. Just before I started college he took me aside and said to me:
“There’s a lot of temptations out there. The trick is to know which ones to give into and which ones to avoid. I think we’ve done a good enough job of raising you that you will do well at that.”
Note that it wasn’t “avoid this” or “avoid that”. It was “make wise choices” and then putting his faith in me that I could.
5. If you had an unlimited budget and could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Well, I’ve never been to me.
Wait, that contradicts what I said above. So instead, I’d learn how to sail, buy a good, sturdy boat, and set sail around the world. No particular destinations, no particular agenda. Just sailing towards whatever I find. As an alternative, London.
And now the rules for those of you interested in being interviewed:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions of my choosing.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions. If you don't have a blog, you can post your responses in my comments section.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post, following the same rules.
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
Two Baseball Stories
Actually, the first is not a baseball story so much as a human interest story involving a major league baseball player. The story is about the player’s parents and it really wouldn’t be much of a story if it weren’t for the fact that his parents are a lesbian couple. (His father left prior to his birth.) The interesting thing about this is the amount of acceptance his parents have received from his friends throughout his baseball career, which, when you consider that he went to college in Alabama, is somewhat surprising. Ultimately, it is testimony to the fact that much of people’s fear of gays stems from lack of knowledge, and that almost always with acquaintance comes acceptance. Someday our current battles over equal rights for gays will be a relic of another day, and it will be in part because of stories like this.
The other baseball story is truly a baseball story. Former Braves pitcher (and former major league pitching coach) Tom House recently gave an interview where he claims that steroid use was widespread among players in the 60s and 70s when he played. Now, one of the things that causes the most hand-wringing among sports columnists when it comes to recent steroid use in baseball is “What shall we do about the records? We don’t know how many homers X would have hit if he hadn’t been on the juice! Course, we don’t know that he was on the juice, but still.” But if it is indeed the case that, as long as there have been being paid to play the game, there have been players looking for an extra edge, then it really doesn’t matter what you do about the records. You can assume that everyone in the past was clean, you can assume that everyone in the past was juiced, you can assume that some were clean and some were juiced. You can assume all sorts of things, but you can’t prove any of them about the past. So let all records stand as they currently are, no asterisks, and move forward from there.
The other baseball story is truly a baseball story. Former Braves pitcher (and former major league pitching coach) Tom House recently gave an interview where he claims that steroid use was widespread among players in the 60s and 70s when he played. Now, one of the things that causes the most hand-wringing among sports columnists when it comes to recent steroid use in baseball is “What shall we do about the records? We don’t know how many homers X would have hit if he hadn’t been on the juice! Course, we don’t know that he was on the juice, but still.” But if it is indeed the case that, as long as there have been being paid to play the game, there have been players looking for an extra edge, then it really doesn’t matter what you do about the records. You can assume that everyone in the past was clean, you can assume that everyone in the past was juiced, you can assume that some were clean and some were juiced. You can assume all sorts of things, but you can’t prove any of them about the past. So let all records stand as they currently are, no asterisks, and move forward from there.
Monday, May 02, 2005
Laughter
We had a good time playing cards Friday night. It was a small group that started the evening: Matt, greenman, Kris, and TanMan. Kris played two games and left. The rest of us played two more. I took a first, a second, and two fourths, though I was in strong position to win a second game and if I hadn’t made a stupid bluff, might have placed in another. So I was happy with the evening.
But that’s not why I’m writing. If I just wanted to write about poker, I would post on our poker blog. I want to write about humor. We said some very funny things Friday night. Indeed, I said something around 2:00 am, when there was just the four of us left, that had us all laughing hard. It was that intense kind of laughter that makes you stand up and walk around and bend over and you still are laughing and you can’t stop and you start to ache and tear up but you just can’t stop. And then, after we had all regained composure, TanMan riffed on what I said with something that made us laugh even harder.
But I can’t share it with you. For one thing, it would take way too long to set-up. What I said was based on something Kris had said five hours earlier. It played off of conversations we had in the intervening five hours. I don’t have the time to recreate five hours of conversation and you have neither the time nor the inclination to read them. For another, if you didn’t know the people involved in the joke (people we all know and have acted and worked backstage with) it wouldn’t be funny. It was genuinely funny to us, and not just in a 2:00 am sort of way. But it wouldn’t share very well. At least not in a manner that would be as intense for a reader of this as it was for us.
And ultimately, isn’t that the case with all humor? Isn’t it the case that the more people that can understand the joke, the less intense the resulting humor is? I’ve been to movies where I laughed very, very hard. But it never has approached the intensity of the laughter I experience in a situation with a small group of friends like what happened Friday night.
But that’s not why I’m writing. If I just wanted to write about poker, I would post on our poker blog. I want to write about humor. We said some very funny things Friday night. Indeed, I said something around 2:00 am, when there was just the four of us left, that had us all laughing hard. It was that intense kind of laughter that makes you stand up and walk around and bend over and you still are laughing and you can’t stop and you start to ache and tear up but you just can’t stop. And then, after we had all regained composure, TanMan riffed on what I said with something that made us laugh even harder.
But I can’t share it with you. For one thing, it would take way too long to set-up. What I said was based on something Kris had said five hours earlier. It played off of conversations we had in the intervening five hours. I don’t have the time to recreate five hours of conversation and you have neither the time nor the inclination to read them. For another, if you didn’t know the people involved in the joke (people we all know and have acted and worked backstage with) it wouldn’t be funny. It was genuinely funny to us, and not just in a 2:00 am sort of way. But it wouldn’t share very well. At least not in a manner that would be as intense for a reader of this as it was for us.
And ultimately, isn’t that the case with all humor? Isn’t it the case that the more people that can understand the joke, the less intense the resulting humor is? I’ve been to movies where I laughed very, very hard. But it never has approached the intensity of the laughter I experience in a situation with a small group of friends like what happened Friday night.
Late Links
Some more housekeeping stuff. Due to popular demand, I've changed my profile so that it is actually my profile. Not sure how the Arabic one got in there, but that wasn't me. Really. I've also added an email account. A brand-spanking new email account that will probably be filled with spam in under an hour. Oh, and two more links: one from Goth at Quips and Quibbles (should have been Quibbles and Bits), and one at Collecting Shards that I think I know who it is but am not saying cause it seems the author wishes to remain private.
And thanks for the comment deleting tips, Goth.
And thanks for the comment deleting tips, Goth.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
